Do you keep hooking up with people only to find there’s lack of chemistry? We tend to think sex is innate, a capacity we are born with and not something we need to work out or work on, but it’s not. The good news is, it is possible to create the conditions to have better sex, to create the chemistry. By taking a few simple steps we can move down the road from Luke Warm Sex to hot more often.
Luke Warm Sex
Luke Warm Sex is an ABC series, which went to air in March 2016, about one man’s journey toward better sex. It’s hilarious, challenging and ultimately moving to see someone who is obviously nervous keep face so many demons.
Feel the fear and do it anyway
Luke's key to success, was that he was open and honest about what scared him and willing to take risks to address his fears. The great thing about this show is that it brings out into the open the still largely socially taboo question of how do we learn to have better sex? It’s not a question we often get down to talking about. But knowing more about sex, practicing things that are going to make us better at sex, and trying new things is ultimately going to make us better at sex no matter how ‘good’ or ‘bad’ we were in the beginning.
How to get better at sex
I worked with Luke in the second episode of Luke Warm Sex on touch and specifically the issue of feeling he was crushing a sexual partner by lying on them. We used laughter and exercises to create lightness. For Luke there were a whole raft of issues to be worked through. For most of us what's holding us back is much more specific, often it’s the small things we may not have considered, like the need not to make noise when we come, or only masturbating when there’s no-one around.
Regardless of your individual issue or fears here are 5 simple steps to help you along the way:
- Prepare - look for information, see if there are others who have had similar issues
- Take small manageable risks - make a plan, work on things one at a time, this creates a context for change
- Talk to others, create rapport by allowing yourself to be vulnerable, this can be particularly difficult for men, there is a reason why Brene Brown’s Ted Talk, the Power of Vulnerability has 24 million views
- Give full attention, work on creating Presence. Learn to be bold.
- Practice emotional first aid, recognise that you’re taking a risk. Think about what to do if it doesn't work out. Most of us are far more critical of ourselves than we would ever be of anyone else, so commit to no negative self-talk. Put an emotional bandaid on the hurt and keep marching on.
Step one is the only safe step. Steps two to five are way riskier, they require commitment and risk but whatever the issue you want to tackle is; they will help you move from Luke Warm to Hot. You might have to persevere but being sexier is not innate, it doesn’t have much to do with how you look. It has everything to do with who you are.
More about Luke Warm Sex
This clever new series from the ABC takes an honest but lighthearted look at sex. Luke Warm Sex is basically a crash course in good sex for Luke McGregor, a 30 something comedian from Tasmania, who is forced to face his fears of sex and intimacy on camera. Enlisting the help of sexologists, therapists, naturists, fetishists, sexperts and scientists Luke learns how to be more comfortable naked, how to build his self confidence and feel good about his genitals and the joy of 1000 count sheets when you sleep naked. Make sure you check it out on iTunes and watch Dr Michelle Mars helps push Luke out of his comfort zone and deal with his issues around touch.