Some of you want me to say yes to this one, giving you permission to take what you think will be the short cut to your wildest fantasies… But let me be really blunt and to the point on this one – HELL NO! This goes for anyone when it comes to sex and tricking someone else into doing something, because it could go horribly wrong.
I know, I know, it could also work extremely well and it has done in some cases but I’m pretty sure you love her, right? Let me give you a few insights as to what can happen, and what has actually happened to other people who tried this with their partners (some women have done this too so you can flip the gender roles for this whole article).
In all cases the biggest thing that’s impacted is her ability to trust you. Trust is a massive factor in relationship happiness and longevity. Moves like this could seriously cut short what could have been the relationship of your dreams.
- She completely explodes at you, telling you how disrespectful and presumptuous you are, in front of everyone, then storms out. Yup, this is a scene no one wants to witness or be a part of. Once she realises where she is and what’s expected of her, it could trigger her. What adds to this is if she can’t control her emotional response and then feels embarrassed that she let loose in front of others, increasing the intensity of disgust and anger towards you… Can we all say “awkward!”?
- She says very little but goes along with it because she doesn’t want to make a scene like lady number 1. Meanwhile this causes her to feel violated, used, dirty (and not the good kind), possibly angry at herself for not speaking up and then a big dose of guilt and shame for not being enough for you and for doing “all those things”. This could kill her spirit, she will withdraw more, depression kicks in (if it wasn’t already there) and she will become less and less like the woman you fell in love with. Not fun to watch, worse to know you might have done it too.
- She gives you the look. You know that look. That “WTF?!?!?” look that says “I’m not going to make a scene but I am NOT HAPPY and I do NOT want to do this so you have less than 5 seconds to get us out of here or there will be hell to pay when we get back in the car. In fact, there is already hell to pay. What were you thinking?!?”. Yeah, you better take notice of this one because you still have an opportunity to salvage the relationship if you politely leave with her now.
Oh wait, there is one more scenario I see a lot of:
- She gets in there and is timid to start with but is willing to give it a go. She then gets more comfortable VERY quickly, to the point where she’s in the middle of a threesome while you watch from the sidelines, she is loving what they are doing to her and she’s doing or saying things she’s never said to you, which triggers all of your insecurities and then YOU are the one to do options 1 – 3. Don’t think it would never be you, I’ve seen this dozens of times.
Sooooooo, just in case it’s not clear. Don’t trick your wife (or husband) into going to a swingers club. It’s not nice. It’s not cool. It’s not fun. And I’m not finished yet. I can’t give you all that doom and gloom without giving you some other ways to entice her to choose to go with you, wouldn’t that be better?!?
- Talk to her about the “idea”, making it clear that it’s an adventure you want to enjoy WITH her and not until she’s ready.
- Encourage her to share her fears and resistance so you can do whatever you need to do to dissolve the fear. This is coming up with plans and strategies for all the “what if” scenarios you possibly can.
- When you get her to say yes, tell her you can both go and watch but not participate initially if that makes her feel more comfortable. Give her the power to say when enough is enough for her, it will help her say yes more easily.
- Do everything you can to show her through your words and actions that she is your number one and always will be.
The only thing you need to know is that it will take patience and perseverance without being pushy. She just needs to get used to the idea and work through her “stuff” around it. It’s totally possible if you really willing to be the man (or woman) for her.
I'd love to hear feedback and anecdotes from AMM's swinging couples about their experiences.