Swingland: Inside the Secretive Life of a Swinger

by Daniel Stern - 17 October 2013 - 6 Member Comments
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Between the Sheets of the Secretive, Sometimes Messy, but Always Adventurous Swinging Lifestyle

Swingland is the wryly amusing and revealing story of one man’s journey into the swinger lifestyle that pulls back the curtain on this fascinating, and often misunderstood, subculture.

Swingland is much more than just a titillating exposé – there is also plenty of invaluable advice for those thinking of taking the plunge themselves (be honest, sensitive and hygienic!). Lovingly written, with a keen sensibility, Stern’s narrative is as improbably safe as it is fun – and impossible to put down.

Adult Match Maker spoke to Daniel Stern and asked him to reveal more swinging action "between the sheets"

Q. Aside from Gary (the Australian featured in the Poker Night), did you come across any Aussie couples while you were swinging?

A. I did not. Not that I didn't want to meet any more or that Aussies aren't welcome in the American swing scene (they most certainly are), I just didn't happen to come across others. However, if a certain Australian publisher or adult dating site wishes to fly me out to their fine homeland, I'm more than happy to share my impressions.

Q. Is there something on your swinging bucket list that you still want to try?

A. There isn't a specific position or scenario I'm dying to experience. However, I'm keen to check out the swing scenes in other countries. Admittedly, my Lifestyle experience is isolated to the United States. so I'm curious to see if the predominant attitudes and personalities that exist in the American culture and make it such a great subculture to be part of also exist in other countries. In fact, a global swing journey might make a great sequel to Swingland!

Q. Who was the most outrageous Lifer Couple you encountered along the way?

A. There was a middle-aged couple who lived in a townhouse who had outfitted their second bedroom into a play den. They had constructed a scaffold from which they hung a sex swing operated by an electric winch so its height could be adjusted based on the physical requirements of users. In addition, they had an extensive collection of geometric body pillows that could be arranged in an infinite number of combinations to facilitate myriad positions. In my swing travels, this has been the most extreme as the scaffold/swing contraption was undoubtedly a several thousand dollar investment.

Q. If you could do it all over again, what would you change about your first steps into the Swinging Lifestyle?

A. Other than clipping my head on a ceiling fan and halting group play to tend to my injury, nothing. I write in my book that I don't subscribe to the notion of regret as what's been done cannot be undone. I think it's a waste of energy to dwell on past decisions. With regard to the Lifestyle, even the bad experiences or the not so great ones had lessons to be learned or laughs to be had (after the fact of course). Granted, I didn't enjoy witnessing a husband start snoring while his wife performed fellatio on him, but it did make for great story fodder. I'm happy with all that I've done and have a clear conscience about it.

Q. Lots of personable, respectful guys aren't as successful as you, what's your best piece of advice for them?

A. Be patient and persevere. There isn't a single person who is a match for everyone (not even brad Pitt or Tina Fey (perhaps Tina is just my crush)). And a single guy, more so than couples or single women, has to persevere and dust himself off rejection after rejection. For they are stigmatized with an exceedingly bad reputation created by the scores of poorly behaved single guys who came before them and made it all but impossible to get a foot (or other appendage) in the door. Just because you are rejected doesn't mean you aren't meant to play. It just means you aren't meant to play with that person (or people) at that time. There are plenty of other swingers to meet. Not to mention, the ones who rejected you might take a shine to you later (happened to me). Just don't, no matter what, no matter how deep the rejection cuts, respond rudely. It hurts your efforts, as word travels fast, and exacerbates an already tough road for other single men.

EXTRACT Swingland: Inside the Secretive Life of a Swinger

Despite your delusions to the contrary, swingers, by and large, are a civilized lot. A hodgepodge of ages, shapes, sizes, nationalities, ethnicities, beliefs, opinions, IQs, and senses of humor.

We have families, friends, careers, hobbies, mortgages, and retirement plans. In short, we’re just like everyone else.

We don’t strap on leather chaps and nipple clamps to go about our day. Wearing kinks on our sleeves like badges of honor is not our style.

Truth be told, we don’t talk that much about our dalliances— at least not to Vanilla folk. We’re not ashamed. We simply assume most of the world doesn’t get our way of life. And more times than not we’re right.

Though we’re like everyone else, our views on sex are admittedly not the norm. To us sex is just another social activity, often involving refreshments and social etiquette. Also unique is the distinction we make between sex and love.

For us, sex is physical and temporary; love emotional and eternal. For many couples, love is the bond that permits Lifestyle participation.

And, for some, vice versa.

Now, for all its accepting nature, the Lifestyle considers single men interlopers at best. Clubs and house parties prohibit single male attendance or, at best, tolerate it on specific nights.

Couples and females block men from emailing or even viewing their profiles. Solo males are ignored, shrugged off, considered the incurable problem children of the Lifestyle. Men, if you can’t tolerate this reality, stick to whatever online dating site into which you’ve already invested however many years and spent however much in the way of subscription fees. Odds are the smattering of one-off coffee speed-dates you’ve obtained is far more success than you’ll have in the Lifestyle. And, before you think otherwise, yes, the odds do absolutely apply to you.

Dissuaded yet, fellas? I’m trying my darndest to do so.

Not for my benefit. I dissuade because I care.

The Lifestyle isn’t for the thin-skinned or easily dismayed. Don’t take my word for it. Google “swinging single male” and read for yourself the cesspool of articles and blogs that attest to the fact that you simply don’t belong in the Lifestyle.

Now, before you cry foul, this stereotype isn’t wholly undeserved. The number of stories I’ve heard about your rude, pushy, selfish single males is beyond reprehensible. Your abhorrent behavior has reached proportions so epic that I’m all-too-frequently embarrassed to wield a penis. Not only have the vast majority of you sullied the single male reputation almost beyond salvation, but you’ve picked off playtime opportunities with the skill of a celibate assassin.

Couples welcoming males into their beds have shunned the lot of us after a single experience with one of you. Your thoughtless behavior has convinced women craving sexual exploration to weld on chastity belts. With impressively minimal effort you have cast the single male population as the Black Plague of the Lifestyle. And these are just the stories I’ve heard. I cannot fathom the true number of tragic tales that exist.

This isn’t to say males are solely responsible for all bad times. Fact is the bulk of couple and female profiles are blocked to single males and the majority of swinger events are planned at their exclusion. Parties can even require an established guest “vouch for” or “sponsor” a male. And even then he’s welcomed with heavy skepticism. Subject to this Lifestyle ban, single males can’t be responsible for the majority of bad experiences. Mathematically, it’s impossible.

However, any swinger can attest that the overwhelming majority of willing (and mostly able) swinging bodies belong to single men.

Men create most of the profiles and publish most of the posts. If a woman desires immediate sexual attention, a male will rise to the occasion almost every time.

Should a couple desire to “spice up” their relationship, their wish is far more easily granted by accepting the services of a single male than by searching for a compatible couple or solo female. But why, if males have the Lifestyle numbers, are they prohibited from most opportunities? Consider a normal bar on a normal Saturday night. Droves of men buying women drinks hand-over-fist to demonstrate their chivalric natures. Unfortunately, their gestures are so transparent that their true motives to coax women to bed are easily quashed.

Now, consider another bar. Same Saturday night. Same people, same drinks. However, at this bar, sex needn’t be coerced as it is the reason everyone gathered. That saying, “A kid in a candy store”? We’re talking Willy Wonka’s sex dungeon.

It doesn’t take a genius to understand the mere possibility of sex fogs over a man’s common sense and leaves him with a pushy, disrespectful disposition.

What’s happened over the years is that these unattractive traits have become so omnipresent, so expected in single males, that the swinging community has been forced to cut them off. Couples, females, party hosts, and club owners limit interaction with single males to avoid even the remote possibility of another emotionally-scarring episode. They’ve just been burned too many times. However, what women and couples fail to realize is that this exclusion, rather than protect them from single male horrors, instead pokes the grizzly bear with a red hot iron. Repeated denials have nurtured a rabid beast in heat that reasons if he just tried harder and pressured more he’d be allowed to participate. This faulty reasoning has resulted in an eager, excited male whose well-meaning actions come off as aggressive and rude. Thus, the origin of the single male stereotype and the fuel feeding the inferno of bad behavior.

Don’t misunderstand. Women and couples shouldn’t forgive and forget and welcome single males into their beds with open arms and legs. Though I might benefit from such a response, I whole-heartedly discourage it as it rewards incivility and does nothing to remedy the growing problem. Instead, I propose single males admit their downfall is the result of their behavior and that they must take responsibility for their actions and change themselves.

The Lifestyle is about sex. There’s no denying that.

But sex is not all the Lifestyle is about - a fact many males ignore, push aside, or outright deny. Swingers seek fun, compatible people with whom they can enjoy good, adult times. Let me repeat that: Swingers seek fun, compatible people with whom they can enjoy good, adult times. Rude, pushy, insensitive single males remember the “good, adult fun” part, but forget the “people” part.

If the rude, pushy, insensitive male thought before he acted, he wouldn’t be destined for failure. If he viewed the Lifestyle in terms of sexual matchmaking rather than as an orgiastic smorgasbord he would not only achieve greater success, but also better the odds for his comrades.

Despite their current, understandable ostracism, single men are needed. First off, not all heterosexual women want another female in the mix. Many want to be the sole center of attention. Not to mention a second woman brings with her greater potential for romantic complications. Men are also necessary because, as crass as this may sound, parties aren’t free. The inflated “donation” required by single men isn’t pure profit. Hotels, refreshments, and condoms cost money. Prohibit single men from the guest list and women and couples are left picking up the tab, a none-too-enticing proposition, wouldn’t you agree?

Just as I’m not suggesting women and couples unconditionally accept single males, I’m not proposing single guys band together in an act of civil disobedience until equal swinging rights are granted. As I’ve said, there’s a place for solo males; but we have a lot of work to do.

Deeply ingrained perceptions need to be changed. Trust and respect must be earned. Once a new, positive single male stereotype usurps the current, disparaging one, I am confident single men will be viewed as a benefit to the community.

 

Extract from Swingland by Daniel Stern, published by Nero and available in stores now.

6 Member Comments

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  1. bondageguy42

    More than a month ago
    It sounds like Amm lol the single male is the lowest of all on this site.
  2. ALVMAX

    More than a month ago
    me too i like
  3. bare037

    More than a month ago
    I do wonder if the superlative quality of Daniel's description of the single male isn't as present in the Australian scene. To be fair, though - there are plenty of men behaving badly in the Aussie scene, but I for one have also seen many good single guys who are great fun relaxed team players. That's certainly part of the screening process I've been through, and part of the culture of the groups (or couples) I play with. Patience and a thick skin are very helpful assets, no matter what.
  4. SydSlaveTrader

    More than a month ago
    Nice read Daniel, I have a project that i am working on myself, finding a publisher in australia is near impossible
  5. MrnMrsNorti

    More than a month ago
    I'm sure this book would be an interesting read.
    We have actively sort to find a group of males for our own private party and although many have not suited our needs or messaged inappropriately, we have replied to every message politely, regardless.
    I see it as our responsibility to set the etiquette bar, even if some men cant.
    Perhaps a polite, direct message may be thought provoking to a man that has'nt mastered the art of expressing himself.
    We have found some real gentleman.
    They do exist!
    MrnMrsNorti

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