7 Things Sexperts are Sick of Hearing

Kind of like being a doctor at a dinner party and being shown this rash, that lump, or the other weird ailment, when people find out I'm a "sexpert" the boundaries come down (yours... not always mine) and the personal intimacy of your most private moments is laid out to bear in front of me...

Now don't get me wrong, I super love my job, and part of that love is being able to be that someone that I wished had been around in my younger years when I had questions and curiosities about all that sex stuff, but there are some moments, and some questions and comments I either can't or won't respond to due to professional limitations, personal boundaries, or a bunch of other reasons.

Oh, I'm Not A Doctor 

One of my all time favourite Simpsons quotes has become a bit of a mantra at times, but for real. I am NOT a doctor. I have absolutely no medical training beyond the basic first aid skills I need for my day-to-day work, and I honestly do not feel confident or comfortable looking at your various lumps, bumps, rashes and sores.  Especially when they're on your genitals. 

I cannot, with any confidence or legal ability, tell you that those lumps on your vulva might be herpes, or caused by soap irritation, or an allergy to latex condoms. 
I don’t know why your dick has red spots on it or what that rash on your balls means.

If you have pain when orgasming, I am very sorry that is happening, but PLEASE talk to your doctor. 

For real, your genitals and associated areas are special and important and necessary to your health. Don't go to some random chick who writes blogs about masturbation and silly sex games about these serious problems... See your doctor. Please.

Omg My Eyes!!

Speaking of those rashes and bumps and those "is this normal" moments, something that really, REALLY grinds my gears is the sending of pictures of said ailments without my consent or permission. Like come on. It's just as confronting and unwanted as an unsolicited dick pic, but also with the added "ew" factor of whatever yucky thing it is you're wanting my advice on. Just don't. 

TMI! TMI! Omg My Brain Eyes!

There are some people around that seem to think that because I am a sexpert, and was once a sex worker,  and have lived the swingers lifestyle, that I must want to hear the graphic particulars of your sex life, with embellished details, and blow by blow accounts...

I don’t. Like I really don't. It's not that I don't enjoy listening to various sexcapades. And I quite enjoy reading smut and watching porn, but that's on my terms. In my time. And, again, with my consent.

Sure, tell me you hooked up! Thats cool! Tell me it was the best sex you've ever had! Awesome! But there are limits to what I need to know about the specifics of your experience, and some things are best kept between intimate partners.

Can You Get Me A Discount?

It never fails to amuse me, the number of people (and I mean mostly complete strangers) who seem to think that not only is it okay to message me and ask me to get them a discount on their AMM membership, or sex toy purchase, or even (absolutely true story and holy shit never ever do this) a session with a sex worker friend, but also that it's something I would even consider, or have the ability to do.

I mean sure, there are sometimes discount codes, or special deals or whatever for things I'm involved with, but those would always be published somewhere with details on how to go about redeeming them. Please stop doing this.  

More Of You!!

I've been writing sex blogs and articles for a very long time now. From the very smutty, to the rather intelligent. I’ve been published in everything from boobs-out lad's mags to respected journals and best selling publications, and there are multiple interviews and articles out in the web-o-sphere written about my life. I am no shy violet when it comes to talking about my sexual self, and yes, I like to think I am a pretty cool and interesting person... But all that stuff that makes me cool and interesting is out there deliberately. Anything else is, quite frankly, my own shit and none of your business. If you don't know, there's probably a reason, and sliding into my DMs to ask me intimate or personal details about my life is weird and creepy and will rarely get you anything but a delete and block.

Am I Normal?

I get asked this question so often, in so many ways, in so many contexts, and it's almost always accompanied with the underlying paranoia we have as humans that we won't fit in, be accepted, or be part of the team. Almost everyone thinks their own little kinks and quirks are bizarre and strange and probably totally perverted, and maybe they are! But it doesn't mean you're not normal, or at least it doesnt mean you are abnormal. It just makes you a human... So yes. In a nutshell, you are normal... But in the grand scale of life, the universe,and everything you are as unique and as intricate as the stars we all come from.

Doubling Down On Bad Advice

Look we've all been guilty of taking bad advice in our life. From old wives tales to just plain bad misinformation or downright lies, and when it comes to sex and sex education there is an almost endless supply. Part of why I do the job I do is to try and counter all that nonsense with sane, straight-talking, no bullshit advice. It's up to you whether you take the advice or not, but please don't try and argue your bad advice with me. For example:

• It doesn't matter if you've never had an adverse reaction, douching the vagina is very bad for it and should never be done. 
• I'm super glad you've never had to go to the emergency room to have a non flared toy removed from your butt, I'm still not going to tell you it's cool to use one. 
• Continuous consent is sexy and important and if you think checking in ruins the mood, you shouldn't be having sex with anyone. 

Sometimes I'm blunt. Sometimes I'm funny. Sometimes I ramble on a bit. But I always make sure the information and education I deliver is backed up by research, science, and other professional opinions and experiences. In other words I, and other "sexperts" know our shit, and when we don't know it we go out and find out from people who know more than us so we can then share it with you. You're welcome. 

In a nutshell it's about respect and boundaries. Be the person you'd want sliding into your DMs, not the weird, cringy desperado.  Ask before sending pictures, and please remember that people are more than the sum of their jobs and sometimes they want, need, and absolutely deserve some down time from the trenches.

3 comments

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• 

  Elusivespark

  More than a month ago

  Hi Eva
  I really enjoy your articles- keep them coming- (& possibly some of yr readers).🤓

  Reply
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  erynne

  More than a month ago

  Have to admit your article made lol more then a few times!! Think the best one was My Brain Eyes, which (I hope you don't mind) will use at some point in time!! Definitely understand though the frustration you must feel sometimes as I went through the same thing with my job (door bitch at a nightclub!!) If I had $1 for everytime I was asked if I could
  1. Get me in for free
  2. Can you help me meet the DJ
  3. I'm on the guest list, they said I was free
  4. Get me a free drink
  5. Give me a job
  I'd be rich AF n never have to work ever again!!!

  Reply
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  2CasualFriends

  More than a month ago

  Hahaha, multiple chuckles ("my brain eyes") and sympathy. Who could've known the hazards present in writing articles of this type? Thank you 😀

  Reply