How our brains can help heal a broken heart

Heartbreak! At some point in our lives we will experience it and it will feel as if the world is falling apart around us. Whether it was the first girl you kissed who ignored you at school the next day; your first boyfriend who swore at 16 he would love you forever; a long term partner who cheated or who you grew apart from; it’s gut wrenching when it happens. But we get over it! Perhaps not 100% but slowly we stop thinking about it every waking moment and our lives move on. So how do our brains help us to get over breakups?

Your brain in love!

Research has found that the neurons in our brains are hardwired to help us when we fall out of romantic relationships and be open to new ones. They actually help us realise that the devastation of a breakup isn’t devastating (or at least not forever). 

When we are in love (or lust) it boosts our levels of oxytocin, the love hormone. Add dopamine, which is a neurotransmitter linked with pleasure and reward, and serotonin, which helps to regulate our mood and is associated with happiness and you get an idea of why being in love is so mind-blowingly amazing. Love (oxytocin) + pleasure (dopamine) + happiness (serotonin) = an intoxicating cocktail which explains why you can feel drunk with love. 

In fact a study in 2016 found that intense romantic love engages your brain’s dopamine-rich reward system, the same part of the brain activated by drug addiction. 

Your brain broken hearted!

When we go through a breakup our brain loses many of those feel good hormones and neurotransmitters making us feel anxious, depressed, often in physical pain, fatigued and, you guessed it, broken hearted. A study in 2011 even found that when people viewed a photo of a former lover they experienced similar brain activity to when they burned their arm. So Joan Jett wasn’t joking when she sang “love hurts”.

In this state we are more likely to turn to alcohol and casual sex to give us the “hit” of dopamine our brains are craving. Personally I’ve always handled breakups this way. The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else, am I right? 

And who hasn’t stalked their ex on social media? This is our oxytocin-starved brain trying desperately to regain those “in love” highs. But the science is in and it’s the worst thing we can do as it prolongs a connection that we need to let go and stands in the way of us moving forward and healing. Remember oxytocin is responsible for us bonding with our partners so it takes time for our brains to adjust to the fact that someone is no longer in our lives. Some therapists recommend going “love sober” for a month to give our brains time to adjust and rewire.  It’s like an AA meeting for your brain so no late night texts, no scrolling through their social media, no phone calls, don't create a fake profile on Adult Match Maker to stalk them (yes it does happen) and definitely don’t have sex with your ex! 

How do we heal?

The best advice is to put yourself out there and find alternate ways to supply your brain with oxytocin again. Grab a girlfriend/mate as a wing woman/man and go and be social. Start scanning online dating profiles so your brain can see there are potential matches out there for you when you’re ready. Cuddle your dog or, better yet, find a group of like-minded dog lovers and go for park visits or long walks. I know it sounds corny but my partner says if he’d know what a chick magnet owning a dog was he would have done it years ago. LOL The idea is to find healthy ways to “feel good” and get those neurotransmitters firing again. 

So feeling heartbroken is normal and not something you can actually control. Your brain is totally responsible for that initial gut wrenching pain but you have the power to heal, to move forward and get under someone new … when you’re ready!