Don’t call me Babe

This is not sexy, it’s about an issue very important to me, that too few pay attention to.

Don't Call Me Babe...

I Forgot

I forgot you don't like to be called Babe. I forgot. Oh, that's right, sorry, I forgot.

All throughout my marriage to my second husband I was called babe, honey, darling. My first name was used in some business / work settings, but for the majority of the time my name might as well have been babe.

Babe is certainly a term of endearment to many, and I'm not against pet names, terms of endearment, or the love languages that develop between two people who care about each other.

In my situation, the use of my first name was a weapon designed to shoot home how angry my ex would be with me, and that I was 'on thin ice' and had to be careful. It was a tool of control that he wielded with precision, particularly in the last few months of our marriage when I had to deal with threats, coercion, and severe gaslighting and manipulation.

My first name became synonymous with the kind of rage that would send me into a protective dissociative state that could last weeks, so intense was the rage that I had to find a way to escape it the only way I knew how: be invisible to the monster that came out, that used my first name to flay the skin off my body with his hateful words and threats that were forgotten by him within minutes of his rage subsiding.

I eventually hated hearing my name used by him. I also feared it.

When we call someone a generic term like babe it's also a way of not having to think too hard about the person you are with. You don't have to keep track of names because every woman becomes a babe. You never get caught saying the wrong name, because every woman you interact with is a babe, or a honey, or a darling...it's a lazy as fuck way of talking to a woman.

But what about the man who keeps calling you babe after you've carefully explained why you hate it, why you need to hear you name spoken all the time, and why you need to have your name used intimately, gently, erotically, and that you want to be called by your first name always?

You get the oops, I forgot, babe, er <insert name>.

I forgot.

I forgot you don't like to be called Babe. I forgot. Oh, that's right, sorry, I forgot.

I forgot you told me 3 minutes ago, an hour ago, two hours ago, yesterday, the day before, and reminded me constantly not to call you babe. I know you don't like it. I just forget. I can't help it. I don't mean to forget. Blah blah blah.

I even call you stupid names like 'boy' when you call me babe, and still you forget.

What is it about the phrase “I forgot” that drives us nuts?

I consider the phrase “I forgot” to be code for “I don’t care enough about you; your likes, dislikes, wants, and needs, don’t factor into my thinking when it comes to doing anything that might impact on you.”

Why do we forget about the ones closest to us?

When you always have to remind someone of why you don’t like something, what does that say about that person, and how much you matter to them?

It is no good apologising for something and then going out and doing exactly the same action again, and again, and again.

It is no good making amends and committing the same behaviour time and time again.

There is little respect in the consistent forgetting.

Personally, I think it’s about control and manipulation of others, and it’s a passive aggressive way of telling the other person just how important you are to them. Additionally, if you forget often enough, then your partner eventually just gives up asking, right? How is that a bad thing? It can't be that bad, can it? I'm just human you might think. I just forget sometimes. I don't mean it. I can't help it. What's the big deal? Why are you making a mountain out of a molehill? Get off my back. It's just a word, it doesn't mean anything. You know I don't mean anything by it. It's just a term of endearment. More blah blah blah.

Because, we don’t really forget, do we? We just pretend that we do because it’s easier to say those words than the real ones you are thinking, like 'get fucked, I won't be doing that for you.'

If you forget to bring the milk home on your way home from work, that’s one scenario of “I forgot” that could be explained away with distraction. We've all had those moments when it's the 'I'd forget my head if it wasn't screwed on.'

But what if your “I forgot” is a way of maintaining control?

• I forgot you wanted to go out tonight and I’ve organised to do something...
• I forgot you were allergic to <insert relevant allergy item>
• I forgot you didn’t like mushrooms...
• I forgot you were vegetarian...
• I forgot your birthday/anniversary/special occasion...
• I forgot to get my drivers licence...
• I forgot you’d organised that...
• I forgot you didn’t like...
• I forgot you said we were leaving at this time...
• I forgot that appointment you made for us/me...
• I forgot you wanted me to do that...
• I forgot you were doing that...

Is a theme presenting itself?

There are so many questions around these two little words. They convey so much intent without actually saying what they mean.

Does saying “I forgot” absolve the other person from taking personal responsibility for their lack of emotional connectedness to you?

This does not mean that when you say you are going to do something, that it's a promise written in stone forever. Things change, people change, and circumstances change. Sometimes we just do honestly forget.

What I am talking about is the situation where you fully agree with the person you are listening to about a certain thing, and it requires you to do or act on something, and you consistently don’t take that action; that’s what I'm talking about here.

I forgot has a huge impact on the other person, whether they are your spouse, partner, friend, colleague, or play partner. There is a manifest lack of integrity and respect towards me, or the person you're saying it to, in those two words.

So when I tell you to use my name, and you continue to call me babe, honey, darling, despite being told again and again and again that I want you to stop, then that's going to get in the way of whatever else might be good between us, or might potentially develop.

I hate being called babe when I've asked someone not to do it.

I hate the emotional laziness that goes with this, because I don't do it to others.

If you can't be fucked calling me by my first name, and keep telling me you forgot, how can you be trusted in the areas that matter, such as consent, boundaries, limits and so on?

When you consistently forget the small stuff, effectively disregarding my limits and boundaries, then how can I trust you in other areas?

This is such a red flag for me, and while most would laugh this off as just a lapse and no harm done, there is very real harm in this behaviour.

I forgot is code for 'get fucked.'

I forgot is code for 'I don't give a damn what you want, I'm going to keep doing what I want no matter what you tell me.'

I forgot is a great big red flag.

I forgot is a deal breaker for me, especially when it is done over and over again, and you are reminded constantly, and still keep calling me babe.

Babe is a pig in a movie.

I am a woman with a name.

Use it or fuck off.