Darkness of Light - A Poem

[Dedicated to those who took me there]

I sit on a park bench
A short distance from my evening's destination
The hum of traffic from a few blocks away
Is simply distant white noise
My head bowed
Breathing deeply, slowly
I try to draw within myself
To drift
my mind into a blank place
Neither imagining
Or projecting
What is to come...

The door is opened
Pleasantries are exchanged
I have been to her abode before
under very different circumstances
On the table lies an assortment of items
The instruments of this evening's activities
A landscape of transportive possibility
My eyes pull away
Lest my mind begins to race
with baseless predictions
I want to express my appreciation
for whatever it is I am about to receive
But I know this is neither the time nor the woman
To whom such offers should be given

'We should get ready, Ms. V will be here shortly'
I have shed my clothes in this place before
But this time it feels like a ceremony
An unveiling
I wonder
does she think I am ready for this?
She knows I am committed
But am I ready for the aftermath?
It is only a brief blip in a thought process
that is slowly coming to a halt

I settle into my breathing
The unending cycle
Exhale thought
Inhale nothingness
Absolute blankness
is an impossible goal
But it is preferable
to strive for it
than allow fear or ego to take hold
I follow her instructions
Delivered in a relaxed voice
Reassuring but direct
My overactive synaptic systems
Are well and truly diminished
So so calm
No matter what happens
I am grateful

I kneel on the pillow she has arranged
in the middle of her floor
Restraints are applied
to wrists placed behind my back
She ensures they are snug
I gently fold one hand into another
As if I was a young boy once again
Standing in the church pew
Awaiting the final prayer
It feels... right

And then comes the blindfold
A cushion of soft material
That forces my eyeballs into their sockets
Strangely comfortable
And comfortably strange
There is no going back
To where I came from
But in that moment
such analysis is subsumed
In a haze of curious detachment
Neither here
nor there
Only the blood
passing from valve to vein
And back again

Gentle rhythms move through the room
Ms. S. kneels next to me
And whispers in soothing tones
Suggesting a mental image
Of quiet contemplative repose
I push my head into her hands
And lightly brush her fingers
With my lips
A dog and his master
Simply seeking to show affection
No matter what happens
I am grateful

Ms. S. offers to document the scene
Through a digital lens
I accept her kind offer
A flash I cannot see
Hums around me
Awaiting the arrival
Of the Initiator

In the interval
Words fall away
Only the soft melodies and delicate strains
Of music, my innate friend
Ms. S. lights another cigarette
And opens the wine I was required to provide
A french vintage
'Twas the least I could offer
Such a simple repayment
For such a priceless gift

From my sightless perspective
An urge begins to rise
To simply offer myself
To the whims of feminine strength
They will know how to guide me
To the place I need to go
Push it back
Push it back
They do not expect it
It is not needed
But it is there, nevertheless

The knock
Causes a sudden shift in my darkened retreat
For a brief moment
Nervousness arises
The lovely sound
Of genuine greeting
The staccato rhythm of stilettos on wood
The educated, relaxed, sultry voice
Two friends
Receiving each other's company
My presence is irrelevant
Only a few arm's lengths away
I am neither a part of their conversation
Nor acknowledged as a piece of furniture
It immediately puts me at a greater sense of ease
The wine is shared and approvingly consumed
A sacrament?
No
This is not that kind of ceremony
That kind of conformist acquiescence
'Tis merely a facilitator
A symbol of social grace

News and views are exchanged
As an appreciation is voiced
for the glass-bound fermented grape
But not towards my kneeling, silent self
In these moments
I am transported
To my earliest days of full memory
My older sisters and their cohorts
Laughing, sharing, mischievously plotting
In the room next to mine
Unaware of my eavesdropping ways
A small curve
appears on the corners of my mouth
Everything old
Is new again

And now
Inspection
I am finally received
By the wearer of the heels
Ms. V. circles 'round me
pacing
Drinking me in
click
clack
click clack
*pump-pump*
*pump-pump*
I do not require sight or movement
To embrace her overwhelming energy
A tangible aura of complete control
Silk-covered steeliness
She offers praise to her partner-in-initiation
For providing such a specimen
For their mutual amusement
It is not my pride that is engaged
by such language
But rather my need for their approval

Just as Ms. S. had done earlier
She runs her hand
Oh so languidly
up my spine
Through my hair
As if to reassure me
That I am safe
in her care
I am spoken to
And thus may reply in kind
Boundaries, safe words
The lexicon of a foreign land
On whose shores
I now kneel upon
No matter what happens
I am grateful

It begins
It begins
Mild laughter
Knowing comments exchanged
Between these two guides
Where is my juvenile sense of eroticism?
Where is my reaction?
It is almost as if
I have forgotten
That I cannot engage
in ways to which I am accustomed
Four hands
Slowly caress me
And suddenly they are kneeling directly in front of me
The sound of lips and tongues interlocking
Probing the wetness of one anothers mouth
I emit a gasp
My ears have been graced
With this teasing gift
Laughter and reminiscence follow
I surprise myself
By not wishing to have witnessed
such erotic discourse
with mine own sight
The mind created a much more vivid picture
And that was the point

And then, the maiden voyage is truly on its way
As clothes pins are applied
to both nipples
Instead of distracting my senses with a brief, fiery roar
They serve to centre my being
I straighten and widen my back muscles
No thought of what is next
Or what came before
Just revel in the now
Revel in the precious now

Lighting strapping my feet, my legs
Soft strokes of leather straps
A feather graces my chest, stomach, elsewhere
It is all very reassuring
But yet I am eager
To move beyond this initial playfulness
I want to know
Where my body can take my mind
What sensation
Can push my soul to some other place
In those moments
These thoughts are not conscious
But I will soon learn
Just how close to the surface
They truly are

As if by osmosis
My guides sense a shift is needed
My shackles are removed
Without instruction
I instinctively bring my arms together in front of me
A prisoner of my own design
I am restrained once more
The offer of another pillow
is humbly accepted
Ms. V. remarks on the kindness of Ms. S.
As if to let me know
That such comfort is not usually proffered
I take up her opening
And thank my host for her generosity
Looking back
It is almost as if I am a prisoner
Saved from the depths of the ocean
And thus pledged to serve
At my saviours' leisure

My shoulders are gently pressed forward
I now am well and truly a domesticated pet
Knees and hands holding my corporeal self in position
To receive their bidding
And then the 'soul logic' session begins in earnest
As Ms. V. slowly draws me into her realm
It will not simply be a case of ask and ye shalt receive
My request for catharsis must be truly spoken
Truly Begged
Truly Desired
By the fourth attempt
My rambling efforts at eloquence
Are replaced by a plaintive yelp
A pitiful cry for pain
As my arms stretch out onto the floor
And my head bows between them

Ms. V. finally takes pity on me
Or is it pity that she feels?
Who am I to guess her thought process
Her analysis of my state?
I am merely a newborn neophyte
Who lies
restricted, sightless
at my ladies leisure

With each successive stroke
against my increasingly-raw buttocks
Comes an evenly-delivered response
'Harder, please Ms. V.'
Why do I request
- Nay, demand -
this treatment?
It surely does not stem
From infantile urges
to display some tangible toughness
- Does not arise
From a testosterone-fueled attempt
at impressing my masters
They have both been to the mountain peaks
Of such journeys
I am merely tied to the foothills
where I need to be
where I will find release
of a kind that cannot be expressed
In such primitive form as language

So from whence
does this new found need stem?
In that moment
In this moment
It matters not
It only matters
That I requested it
With every fibre of my be-ing
And in return
It was duly given
No matters what happens
I am grateful

Just as my threshold is reached
Just as the sharp, blunt shockwaves
Reach a crescendo of barely-manageable ferocity
She ceases the delivery
Caresses my wounded self with her soft touch
And returns to her glass of wine
In retrospect
Did they share a knowing glance
A wry smile?
In this moment of reflection
I should hope that they would

In the midst of this
At which point I am no longer certain
There is a stern knock at the door
For the briefest moment
Concern arises
But that is replaced
By curiosity
As both of my guides
Leave me to answer it
Who is this visitor?
Is it a man, a woman?
I am too far into the spell to care
A chair is moved
The last glass of wine is offered
To our new guest
I am simply told
that our new arrival
takes these ceremonies very seriously
In my current mode of submission
Of seeking to serve, to please, to not disappoint
I simply respond with regret
That I did not bring more wine
For our unexpected company
'Yes, you may have to be punished for that'
I smile broadly
Enchanted by the reply
and its surreal rationale
Within moments
Whoever the guest is
- were they even there? -
is totally and completely
Forgotten
The moment beckons me back
to where I need to Be

And now Ms. V. rounds on me
With the language of inquisition
Of dissection
Laced with oh-so-subtle expressions
of derisiveness and disdain
I am reduced
to the stature of a schoolboy
facing his Adult Overseers
'So what is this I hear...'
Ms. V. begins
And so my mind begins to shrink
The moment expands and contracts
As waves of regret and subservience
rise to the surface
They do want an excuse
- there is no debating here -
They only want truth
If I am willing to part with it, of course
Willing
To unshackle it from my innards
And if so
with these unchained thoughts
A deeper level
of remorse
A de-construction
of inflated self-worth
A psychological mirror
Of my current physical state
Might emerge
And reveal
And heal

Some simple acts
Of forgetfulness
Of poor bedside manners
Fueled by frustration
Are presented to the Court
My profuse apologies
are duly noted
With a dismissive nonchalance
But they will not stop there
And for the first time tonight
I anticipate what is to follow
The set-up has been established
And now comes the moment
Where I either shrink from reality
From my history
From my disappointments
From my regrets
Or simply rise to grasp
the opportunity
the possibility
Of verbalizing such sorrow
pain, confusion, longing
And in some way
Transcend it
If only for the Now

Confession is in session
There is never a debate
Within the recesses of my conscious shell
I am eager to release it all
To purge
Like any good Catholic would
But there is no desire here for forgiveness
For some self-loathing insecure approval
from an unseen higher force
For All Is Unseen
In my current position
And thus, a deeper vision
a crystalline purpose
is Achieved

And so my lungs
Emit breath
vibrating through vocal cords
Twisting through tongue
Carrying with it
Emotional resonance
Past ghosts
Current hauntings
Spontaneous imaginings
and harsh realities
My head is now buried against the floor
My hands clasp and unclasp
Gently pound the floor
As the tears well
And burst within the confines
Of their padded cell
No matter what happens
I am grateful

My desire was only ever to please
And yet I cannot
And so here
My desire turns instead
to pleasing Truth
Speaking It
Giving It Form
Having others bear witness
To the eye of my internal storm

To her eternal credit
Ms. V. does not shrink from her task
But rather coaxes this river of regret
so that it may run its course
My sobbing
Rivulets of salt-water
My emotional whole laid bare
Layers flayed away
In a wonderful moment of clarity
I feel no shame
No awkwardness
I feel completely at ease
Even as my shoulders heave
And my stoic visage crumbles away

My voice shakes and cracks
My tale is told
My deepest belief is uttered
"Gratitude... is everything... Ms. V. ..."
They have heard enough
And as soon as this is made clear
I rise from my huddled heap
Currents of appreciation
Of subtle euphoria
Are now emitting
like sunwaves
From the core of my heart-self

Ms.V. offers her fingers
For my lips to lightly touch
Ms. S. holds a tissue
to my running nose
I feel no twinge of embarrassment
as I rub away the fluid of emotive expression
It simply feels like a concluding aspect
Of a seance that had to occur
That had to unfold
Exactly as it did
And in the next moment
All is forgotten
As more instruments are produced
For my personal edification

The cane produces
a far sharper effect
It is clarity
It is compacted immediacy
Sharp elevations
Producing brilliant shock-sparks
Increasing the rigidity
that has encompassed my body
As once again
my broken breathing
is interspersed with a wish
To be fully immersed
within this edge-of-oblivion sensation
'Harder... please... Ms.V....'
Thwack
harder
Thwack!
harder
Thwack!!
Again
The deliveries cease
Just as my nerve endings begin to fray
It would seem
after my confessional
there is an even greater impetus
to have my transgressions cleansed
rigorously
thoroughly
To their exacting standards
Compassion of the rod
Sparing no thought for discomfort
Within these four walls
Within these small moments
The past and future
Subsumed to the sting
Subsumed to the new

More laughter
at the current condition of my posterior
Virginal as it is
To such strident treatment
The schoolboy's first visit
To the Principal's office
Ms. V. runs a hand across it
And then down through my crevice
To grasp my genitals gently
But they do not rise nor contract in response
The immediate connection
'Tween mind and organ
Has been temporarily rendered null and void
Replaced in intensity
By something even more immediate
- gratifying? -
No
Simply more immediate
Something pure in its form
Ms. S. approaches
A humming sound rises and falls
As she passes by my head

Soft man
and soft machine
As one
inner recesses are peeled away
gently
firmly
softly
deeply
knuckles turn white
against the edge of the pillow
Fingers scrape the hardwood floor
'He doesn't want to say the safe word, does he?'
Casually delivered
in a matter-of-fact tone
As I gasp and strain
While my spine lengthens and contracts
in time to the motion
A feather runs along my heaving ribcage
Under my belly
I am shot through
With white hot fireworks
Exploding
And Cascading
Through every fibre
every ending, it seems -

*Flow with the go
Flow with the go*

- I cannot speak
I cannot think
I cannot
I cannot
I cannot
Release
Collapse
Breath returns
Equilibrium slowly re-engages
Was I testing my limits
Or simply - gone?
I will never know the answer
And that is the answer itself

Now my twin masters
retire to the couch
Only a few feet to my left
But is like a chasm
I dare not turn to fully face them
Dare not shift or slip from my pillow'd perch
There is talk of pleasure now
Of desires in need of satiation
I can hear the soft
gentle
pearly moistness
casually probed
the satisfied sighs
My head collapses on the pillow
There
right there
just out of my grasp
- a grasp I could not even contemplate -
Ms. V. is treated
to Ms. S.'s rhythmic attentions
Without vision
The energy leaps across those few feet
Bathes my skin
Crawls along my limbs
My head turns from side to side
As I let out a low groan
Half exasperated
Half ignited
Ms. V laughs
and remarks on my frenzied state
Indeed - I ache to be unleashed
To show my affection
In the same way

And then
in the midst of this passion play
A story is relayed to the uninvited listener
Grudgingly at first
But Ms. V. quickly warms
to the task of telling the tale
'Tis a reminiscence
of a naughty nocturnal adventure
that she and Ms.S. shared
Set amidst the confines
of a modern pleasure palace
My head rests again on the floor
My body relaxed and languid
facing in their direction
Almost as if I am a small child
Bundled up at the knee of a parent
Being regaled with fairy tales
It pleases me no end
Not just the details
not just the eroticism, the humour
But to hear these two women
share their memories
with those delightful bouts of laughter
- those knowing turns of phrase -
And suddenly the relaxation
is everywhere
Just three friends
having a laugh
strengthening the bond
The actual scene that I find myself in
- the position of my body, my nakedness
the sounds of sirens sighing -
all are completely lost
in this warmth of camaraderie
No matter what happens
I am grateful

But now the tale is at a close
Now the energy shifts again
Ms. V. announces that Ms. S. has provided her with a gift
The gift of my mouth and tongue, my considerable enthusiasm
And she enquires whether this is acceptable to me
"Of course, Ms. V."
I am aroused and anxious to please
but at the same time
there is a deep calmness within me
The darkness that engulfs all
has removed much more than my sight
The relationship between myself and my mistresses
that has been forged this eve
has altered my sexual ego
I simply exist at their leisure
I exist to serve and please
serve and please

Ms. S. gently holds me as I rise from my position
It is only a few steps to the couch
But I feel like I am walking underneath a lake
located on the moon
It is not merely a case of tightened tendons
of blood returning through the legs' chambers
It is as if I am literally transported
An unwieldy psyche
unbalanced by movement
Ms. S. kindly shifts the pillow again
So that I may kneel in comfort
before the splayed legs
Of the Initiator
Ms. S. softly pushes my head and shoulders forward
and down
My lips brush against skin
The sensation is heightened
in an unimaginable fashion
I gently sway back and forth
until I locate where I need to be

I explore
I caress
I draw up
and drag down
I press
I insert
I am instructed
I am compliant
After a brief period
My restraints are removed
and I redouble my efforts
Beads of sweat form
As my mouth surges onwards
My tongue is a blur of motion
My finger gently enters
the warm and tight yoni
Ms. V. begins to emit sounds
those lovely unconscious breath-utterances
the signal of true release
of surrendering to the sensations
Soon enough, her strong legs press
firmly against my temples
I am so eager
to take her where she wishes to go
it is beyond reason

And finally...done
She asks me to relent
She has shuddered to her heart's content
There is no need for further assistance
Her satisfied sigh is reward enough
as is her praise to Ms. S. for the gift given
A sudden urge overtakes me
May I kiss your heel'd feet, Ms. V.?
A sign of genuflection?
Of worship?
Or a fetish freshly found...
It matters not
Her foot is raised up in reply
As I gently touch my lips
to her means of transportation
my mind wanders
in its own state of transit
from grace to servitude
and back again
a seemingly gentle balance
between two places of be-ing
that I once thought so disparate

I am bound
And yet feel boundless

And then it is over
as Ms. V. announces her departure
to her fellow task-mistress
Their breezy farewell conversation
flows through me
like a confusing breeze
It is as if I was merely a pleasant distraction
An attractive plaything
A means of passing an otherwise everyday evening
by carrying out an initiation
into their hidden arts

Confusion

For a brief moment
my conscious shell
wonders where my satisfaction lies
why was I not sexually stimulated
why was I not 'serviced'
But the thought is quickly discarded
A relic of my pornographic programming
A silly slice of juvenile projection
that has no place
in the light of new born experience
For indeed
I have just been provided
with many things
feelings
emotions
releases
questions without answers
much more
than an orgasm could ever provide
As for the intentions
of my twin masters
Of that I could not discern
but it was certainly not frivolous
It was certainly not a mere exercise
It was not a diversion, a game
For while I cannot read minds
There is no doubt that their hearts existed
alongside mine
beating in every moment
observing and absorbing
the object laid bare

Ms. S. locks the door
Closure
Exiting

She announces that I may restore my sight
and adds that it may take some time
for my eyes to adjust
There is so much subtext to that phrase
For truly, the newfound light
of her apartment
brings with it the realization
that what I felt tonight
will take many moons to process
Indeed
there is already a sense
that my old inner forms
of translating experience
will be of no use here

Ms. S. sits on her couch
As I remain in my position on her floor
like an observant animal
awaiting their owner's command
Our eyes meet
No words are spoken
I cannot discern what lies beneath her gaze
I can only know
my own sense of heightened 'here'-ness
and how unconcerned I am
with finding out why this may be

We briefly discuss her history
with these acts of transformation

transcendental transmutation

I wonder aloud
about the effect of engaging
in such an intense journey
on a regular basis
Ms. S. provides me with her answers
Her own evolution...
In the ensuing silence
A lyric moves through my mind
'You take what you need
And you leave the rest"

Ms. S. provides me with a warning
a caution born of kindness
regarding how I might feel in a short while
how I may suddenly be enveloped
with sensations of loneliness
melancoly
isolation
I register her announcement
But it seems so unlikely to occur
For I am seemingly at peace
Seemingly carefree
Without a past or future to concern me

Before I leave
Ms.S. requests for my skills
to be engaged in her service
I eagerly comply
For I enjoy her taste
and her energies
her moans
But beyond all of those carnal comulsions
Lies an inescapable truth:
Is it not the least I could do?
Is it not the way this universe should work?
Does not the canine companion
seek to please his owner?
Does not genuine selfless gratitude
flow from one to another
and back again?

I wander towards home
My fellow travellers
float by me
ghostly
as if their flesh-and-blood nature
was diminshed
their energies at low ebb
I am neither above them
- a higher be-ing -
Nor do I hold some secret that they lack...
It is merely that I am HERE
and they appear to be anywhere but...

Unlike many an erotic venture
This does not feel like a dream
- A disconnected wave of egoist-fueled
blood-rush passion -
No
I am PRESENT
Sharpened
Mellow-yet-euphoric
No sense of conquering
No sense of masculine pride
Simply a connectiveness
to something unknown within me
and without as well
"It is in us
and all around us"

I contact Ms. S. to thank her
She repeats her caution
And I reply with a dismissive proclomation
of my current well-being
But as I approach my bed
Waves of uneasiness begin to creep 'round my heart
As if I crave the warmth of human interaction
the gentle touch of an understanding hand
But no
it is not that
I do wish for the company of another

No

No, I wish to be there again
prostate
hands outstretched
sight removed
body bowed
spine bent
existing at the whims of another
Anxious to hear another command
another dismissive laugh
another unknown sensation
not concerned with my thoughts
Unguided by notions of how I may appear
or how my actions may seem to others
Unprepared for what may come next
And completely oblivious to the emotions of my masters
I lie in the darkness of my room
I have never felt so alone
So disconnected from internal peace
So unlike my 'self'
Has this experience
revealed the insincerity of my everyday existance?
Has it uprooted some deeply-ingrained behaviours
that only serve to make a mockery
of what life truly has to offer?
Is this what my masters experienced
in their own journeys through these hidden realms?
But how can all this be?
How can it strike the very core of my soul
with some indescribable heat of despair?
Am I not still here?
Am I not the person I was,
still capable of growth
of discovery
of knowing what 'wonder' truly is?

As the dreamscape approaches
I am mercifully taken from this grip
and as I depart
from this dimension to the next
one heartwave leaps from the centre
of my chest
- A candle in the darkness -
as if in response to all of this misery:
No matter what happens
I am grateful

~ FIN ~