Making you orgasm makes a man feel manly

by Adult Match Maker - 29 March 2017 - 49 Comments
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High five if you gave your partner an orgasm? A new study has revealed that men who think sexually pleasuring their partner is important may, in fact, be doing it to boost their own ego.

The study entitled “Do Women’s Orgasms Function as a Masculinity Achievement?” analysed 810 heterosexual men and their sexual habits.

Participants were asked to read anecdotes where they imagined an attractive woman either did or didn’t orgasm during a sexual encounter with them with the variable being that partner had either often or rarely experienced past orgasms with previous partners.

The research study found that men’s investment in women’s orgasms is directly connected to their own perceptions of themselves as a good lover. The study found that because of cultural ideas around masculinity men often feel the need to prove themselves by doing “manly” things and obviously displaying sexual prowess is when a man often feels the most masculine. The study found the men described feelings of confidence and accomplishment in connection to their female partner’s orgasms and men who were insecure rated their masculinity on how good they were in bed.

The media, and our own blog, is filled with articles on how to give women orgasms, how to make them more mind-blowing, how to make them last longer, how to have them more frequently or double the fun with multiple orgasms. Increasingly men’s sexual script is defined by the ability to provide women with sexual pleasure and ultimately orgasms. The pressure is on for men to perform like never before. 

In an interview with psychology news website PsyPost, the study’s authors, Sara B. Chadwick and Sari van Anders from the University of Michigan said, “Men who have sex with women clearly have a stake in women’s orgasms. But, some of the ways that heterosexuality are playing out seem to be that, for some men, their interest in women’s orgasms is not really about women’s pleasure. Instead, for these men, women’s orgasm is actually about the men feeling good about their masculinity. This could explain why some men feel pressured to “give” women orgasms. And, it could explain why some women fake orgasms, ie. to protect men’s feelings.”

Studies have found that many women fake orgasms to please their male partners, highlighting that women sometimes prioritise their male partner’s ego over communicating their own sexual desires. And research has also shown that women are often hesitant to suggest improvements or changes in a male partner’s technique because they feel it would devastate his self-esteem

In other studies, men have reported that they experience disappointment when their female partner does not orgasm, but state that they would be reluctant to induce a woman’s orgasm with a vibrator because of worries of their own personal inadequacy. Overall, it appears that men may be more concerned about their role in women’s pleasure than they are about women’s pleasure itself.

In conclusion the study’s authors said, “Does that mean we shouldn’t care about women’s orgasms? Of course not! But they shouldn’t be seen as another notch on the bedpost, so to speak. Women’s orgasms should be experienced - when they are wanted - as a wonderful part of sexuality, not as something men give to women as an example of their prowess. Cultural ideas about masculinity push many men to feel like they need to live up to certain ideals, and this ends up being bad for sexual pleasure.”

49 Comments

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  1. NoisyGirl

    2 days ago
    There may be some men who feel let down if they don't help their lady achieve orgasm, and others that wouldn't give a rats if she did or she didn't. I know which type I'd prefer, regardless of their feelings behind it! There are some that will try their best, bless them, but never succeed, but it's the effort that I always appreciate the most. Don't know about other ladies, but looking at it from the female perspective, I would feel disappointed if I didn't hear (and feel) my man reach that peak. Getting him off gives me a thrill like no other, even if I never had an orgasm at all! Ain't love grand :-)
  2. wazzakel

    More than two weeks ago
    Do we do it for our ego? yes, however, that is not the only reason, personally, i think that mutual pleasure is a must in any sexual encounter, and I'm not against my partners telling me what to do or how to do it, a woman that knows what she wants is freakin sexy, and i'm not against giving them one with a vibrator either. In this day and age, more men are being more open to these types of things I stated and i personally think that some of the mindsets in this article are antiquated.

    Cheers all
    Wazza
  3. 4Erioed

    More than two weeks ago
    This news received so much negative feedback. Personally I'd prefer a guy who wants to make me orgasm for his own ego than someone who doesn't bother at all. I find it hot when a guy makes me cum then can't help but cum straight after because it turns him on.
  4. 1DoorMan

    More than two weeks ago
    We enjoy a good fuck just like everyone on this site. She knows if the big O happens for her grate but if not she knows I will do my best to to achieve it with her be it with another female or 1/2 males so be it.
    There are so many things that go on in our lives these days that can have an effect on our sexual feelings. Then theirs that spark of interest that blows you away, what ever it takes we all like to CUM . So whats so bad about a male wanting to please a woman . I do it all the time I give my best .
  5. hawksbane

    More than two weeks ago
    As a man, it certainly does make me feel good about myself when my woman orgasms. But for me, that is only part of it. Sex is about love and fun with permanent partners, and fun with temporary partners. Fun for everyone, that's how it should be. So I think... relax, enjoy and have fun. Do your best to ensure your partner is having fun. If either of you get an ego boost, why not? But don't make that the main aim.
  6. Melody2973

    More than two weeks ago
    I don't rely on a man to make me orgasm during sec I mean why should I ?. Clearly if it's moving me it'll happen :), if it doesn't well it probably wasn't that great, it's pretty simple :)
  7. Shyner

    More than two weeks ago
    So many times it's the woman who doesn't get the wonderful relief of an orgasm during sex ....Is this fair when her man can easily have his ??? NO !!!!! Is it right to feel really special because you've satisfied your partner ?? YES !!! It should be a real sense of euphoria to see her hitting her orgasmic high ,and a reason to bond deeper in the aftermath. If the euphoria isn't shared ,if you feel smug that you've got her hooked; you're there for the wrong reasons. Mind games I think they call those attitudes : for all of you unsatisfied women out there, be prepared to give direction or try with someone new ...
  8. QLDTwo4fun

    More than two weeks ago
    Are people over thinking this, men and their egos; how does this analysis stack up with orgasms in same sex relationships, or threesomes. Its not unreasonable that people derive pleasure from the activities they undertake, and different people can enjoy different aspects of the same activity. So while some men may get an ego boost from giving a lady a good time, I don't think it's a universal rule.
  9. trythishard1

    More than two weeks ago
    It's a good feeling to know your partner is fully satisfied. If that results in an ego boost so beit. Winners all round!.... If a woman wants to achieve orgasm
    and has a choice between a guy who can't make her come and a guy who can , who's she gonna pick? No matter how big his ego is. Or his cock. :-)
  10. JustLookin022

    More than two weeks ago
    Interesting article, I was with a woman for 20yrs who did not orgasm and it did effect my ego. Being with women that can and do enjoy pleasure is a boost to my ego. However with age and a desire to have a connection with a lover exploring each other whether orgasm or not becomes much deeper even spiritual. I can only agree with article as a generalized youth persona . Knowing your lover reacts to just a look or a touch just being near one another and connecting is no different and has nothing to do with orgasm.
  11. Mischeviouslad

    More than two weeks ago
    Seems there are a lot of people quick top *react*... without really reading and understanding the purpose of the article.
  12. Petewil

    More than two weeks ago
    I really don't like the idea of "giving" orgasms. To me that's not the reason that we make love. Most of us can achieve better orgasms on our own with our hands and our vibes. If we or gaslight a love, that's nice bit I'm on here for erotic, sensual intimacy and connection.
  13. Love.Doctor

    More than two weeks ago
    100% disagree with the survey/findings.

    Love and sex isn't a test. The physical act is called sex the feelings and everything you can't see is love. Usually if someone just wants sex its more a quick short term selfish act as there is no love involved. If I love someone I want to make that person happy its not about getting my rocks off or feeling masculine. If i'm in a long term relationship making love will occur 100s of times. How can that be about feeling masculine or trying to achieve a perfect score. Its the exact opposite. Its natural, endless and all about relaxing and mentally understanding you're accepting each other. Its perfect, timeless, and should make one cry when you have it. All that matters is the other person.
  14. Leolady727

    More than two weeks ago
    SO true - how often do you see on a man's profile "I'll make you cum again and again" or, "I'll make you squirt" - these claims are an instant turn-off to me. I usually have no problem cumming but see it as something we achieve together.

    trythishard1

    More than two weeks ago
    And if you don't achieve it together would you wish you
    chose the guy who said he'll make you come again
    and again? :-) or maybe the guy who re phrases it and
    says " I will help you achieve orgasm in a togetherly
    way ". Lol

    Leolady727

    More than two weeks ago
    I have found that those who can, DO - whereas those who can't, boast about how wonderful they are :-)

    trythishard1

    More than two weeks ago
    Always exceptions to the rule of course!

    wazzakel

    More than two weeks ago
    best reply yet!

    Leolady727

    More than two weeks ago
    There may be exceptions (although I've never found one) but, normally, a guy who knows what he's doing doesn't feel the need to talk himself up. I prefer the "quiet achievers ;-)
  15. lollysaresweet

    More than two weeks ago
    An interesting topic...Im not sure what to say...but im pretty sure that Man..a real man...loves to hear me Moan...when I reach the peak of pleasure...and love to hear him say to me Yes....lol

    wazzakel

    More than two weeks ago
    spot on, to hear a woman moaning means they are enjoying themselves, and sex is about exactly that, also to hear a woman yell " I'm cummming" is just as good, if not better
  16. wildchildx2

    More than two weeks ago
    It is not an ego trip for me i love to see my lady cumming all over the place i make sure she is almost legless sometimes i dont cumm i wait take her for another ride we go for awhile sometimes other times i penetrate she orgasms all over the place
  17. handynrandy

    More than two weeks ago
    I'm not sure what the publication of this article sets out to achieve - other than the promotion of misandry

    Leolady727

    More than two weeks ago
    Oh dear - hurt your feelings, has it? Obviously written by one of those man-hating "Feminazis" :-)

    AMM.Editor

    More than two weeks ago
    We think we was a far more well considered article than the one new.com.au wrote on the same research topic. Go check it out!

    handynrandy

    More than two weeks ago
    I'm not even going to bother to read the rot that news.com.au may have churned out if there's a chance it is worse than this article.

    Whilst the AMM version may have been more considered than the News version, promoting misandry is still highly inconsiderate - even if it was done in a more considered way than other sources....

    AMM.Editor

    More than two weeks ago
    No seriously go find it and see how they have twisted the whole outcome. At least we reported on the study's findings.

    handynrandy

    More than two weeks ago
    I am serious. No amount of reporting on the studies findings will change the fundamental issue that this article promotes misandry.

    gatsbybrisbane

    More than two weeks ago
    As it happens, this research/commentary into sexual attitudes and masculinity was conducted by two female authors from U Michigan. The senior author (van Anders) is Ass. Prof. of Psychology and Women's Studies. I've critiqued the content elsewhere, however, as LeoLady raises the authorship, I do wonder how seriously research into feminine identity would be regarded if it was conducted by two male Men's-Studies academics (were there such a job) with a penchant for finding obvious results and then overstating them. Leolady has almost hit the nail on the head, though it is not so much men they seek to undermine as masculinity and femininity since they believe these are inventions of society and holding women back (if I may be so bold as to presume). I have some sympathy for this view as the roles certainly constrain some individuals but I doubt we should abandon gender identities entirely to suit the exceptional cases or deny the role of nature. It is reasonable to consider the biases and agendas of the sources of opinion, as the more controversial aspects of this research paper appears to be. Gender identity is close to anyone's sense of personhood and insensitive generalisations are likely to offend.

    Leolady727

    More than two weeks ago
    Gatsby - my comment was tongue in cheek, as HandyNRandy seems to be subscribing to the view that there is a vast female conspiracy to rob men of their manhood. The fact is, there are men who always have to be in control (I will give YOU an orgasm) and hate the fact that women are now questioning this.

    Bringitoyou

    More than two weeks ago
    I agree with you Handy, how many times have I heard women complain of their lovers.... "he didn't even make me cum".... these women, probably unlike the men described in the article, are more common than you might think. I pride myself on my ability to help my partners achieve the big O. Does it make me feel good that she is having an orgasm??? Absolutely. Why shouldn't it?? Do women NOT feel good when their partners orgasm? This bull**** about feeling masculine is just a woman's (yes Leolady a feminazi) misguided interpretation into what she thinks men feel.

    Leolady727

    More than two weeks ago
    Oh dear, Bringitoyou - quite the gynaephobe aren't you? I don't call men like you misogynists - I'm sure you think that women are good for something (the lovely phrase "life support for a c*nt" springs to mind) but you are terrified of women - terrified that, if they "get control" they will treat men the way men have treated them for hundreds of years. I first came across this idea in Thomas Berger's egregious book "Regiment Of Women" - a farcical scenario. Most women do not want to take over - they just want to be treated equally and, you know, someone else having rights does not detract from yours!

    Bringitoyou

    More than two weeks ago
    Leo lady, thanks. You've proven my point nicely. Discrimination is not just for women. But you keep going ahead and calling people names, abusing them and presuming that you know anything about them.

    wazzakel

    More than two weeks ago
    leolady, woman treated "equally" unfortunately means exactly the opposite to some feminists, I think the best ideals of true feminism was explained in a speech given by Emma Watson at the UN recently....google it....it was an inspiring speech
  18. friskypuz

    More than two weeks ago
    It would be my pleasure to have you pleasure me to fulfil your pleasure.

    CuriousMix

    More than two weeks ago
    My pleasure

    kinkki

    More than two weeks ago
    Great philosophy :)
  19. gatsbybrisbane

    More than two weeks ago
    How can an interest in women's orgasm not "really" be about the women's pleasure? This could be a slippery slope to condemning all altruism because it gives some identity fulfilment to the giver. For example, when a woman is caring towards her child, is it less noble because it fulfils her gender role and femininity? It would only be ignoble if she cared about outside perceptions to the exclusion of or more than the child's welfare. Perhaps this occurs for a small number of sociopaths. Did the study find that (some) men did not actually care about the woman's pleasure, but only about her orgasm, or did they surmise this? If so, how numerous were these men? Were they about the expected proportion of sociopaths?
    Perhaps for some men orgasm is a proxy for women's pleasure (which it is provided it isn't faked). Some men and women aren't that confident about communicating their feelings and pleasures and desires, or that skilled in putting each other into that safe zone to do so. We shouldn't condemn people because they lack the communication skills and insights of a sex researcher, but instead rely on cruder proxies, provided they aren't disproportionately interested in the identity benefits relative to their lover's experience.

    AMM.Editor

    More than two weeks ago
    We included the links to the actual research findings but as I'm not a statistician I can't analyse anything other than the findings they stated. At least we reported what was actually found unlike the article published by news.com.au yesterday which totally went off tangent claiming things which weren't even in the study. :-)

    gatsbybrisbane

    More than two weeks ago
    Thanks AMM editor - interesting article by you and I didn't mean to put those questions on your to-do list ... they were of a more rhetorical nature. Thanks for alerting me to the research link in the article. I guess I've given myself a job. I noticed when reading in detail that the specific new research by Chadwick and van Anders did not in any way measure or attempt to measure a negative relation between the men's sense of masculine identity from 'giving' orgasm and the men's interest in the partners pleasure. That was conjectured by looking "overall" at a selection of other papers. ...as you report in your article the Chadwick and Anders paper states : "In addition, men have reported that they experience disappointment when their female partner does not orgasm, but state that they would be reluctant to induce a woman’s orgasm with a vibrator because of worries of their own personal inadequacy (Salisbury & Fisher, 2014). " This is concerning, however the paper referred to (Salisbury, C. M., & Fisher, W. A. (2014). “Did you come?” A qualitative exploration of gender differences in beliefs, experiences, and concerns regarding female orgasm occurrence during heterosexual sexual interactions.) is qualitative in nature. Therefore, just one respondent might have expressed this view.

    "Overall", I think the research referred to provides evidence for a "duh, of course" kind of result that helping a partner feel pleasure enhances the sexual confidence of a person. I'd be pretty confident that women would feel better about their prowess if they gave their men good orgasms too. You don't get research funds or publicity for proving "duh of course" results. The speculative extension of this result to the notion that men care more about their masculinity than their partners pleasure rests on someone else's research and possibly a single respondent's inexperience with vibrators.

    Keep up the stimulating reports AMM editor! Many thanks. I'll have to look at news.com.au article when I'm feeling more self-abusing!

    AMM.Editor

    More than two weeks ago
    Personally I feel the saddest part is that men can feel inadequate when their partners don't orgasm when it's a whole lot of factors which play into that, not necessarily what the gentleman is or isn't doing. And of course many women can't come purely through PV intercourse. That's why this was such a nice follow up (in a way) to Eva's article about faking orgasms. It really should be about the pleasure and the journey and not so focussed on always reaching a climax - for both partners - and take away some of this pressure that, in some ways, this sex positive society is putting on us. You can't just orgasm any more, you have to edge, you have to come together, why don't you squirt, why don't you have multiple orgasms. I know we perpetuate it ourselves in our blogs but I hope the articles we publish are balanced. And I'm interested to see what you think of the news.com.au approach to the topic.

    gatsbybrisbane

    More than two weeks ago
    Thanks AMM editor. I looked at the news.com.au report. I guess it is what you might call a beat up of a beat up intended to provoke outrage on one hand and smugness on another, so plenty of click-bait either way. No wonder the media was easy pickings for The Donald. Your title and article did not overstate the research at all.
    Personally, I don't think it is sad that men feel less good about themselves when they achieve a lesser sexual connection with their partner, providing they have the resilience to bounce back from that. And we wouldn't want men to step away from their part of the responsibility for the health of the relationship, and see that a great orgasm (if that's the proxy you prefer) starts with putting out the garbage and listening to a partner's feelings and making accommodations. I think both genders suffer when relationships are not working their best, even though they are not solely responsible. In so far as the focus is on using orgasm as proxy, I would say that Chadwick and van Anders did not allow the men to nominate how they wanted to appraise the woman's experience or connection to them during sex. The study authors nominated these 4 different kinds of hypothetical orgasm outcomes themselves, so in a way they put words in the men's mouths, as I suppose is necessary in quantitative social 'science' research. It would be somewhat interesting to see if members of same-sex couples answer differently to the same kind of scenarios, once the equivalent gender identities are substituted. But to be honest, I don't think that this kind of research and analysis is very helpful or humanising to anyone in de-constructing people into agents running 'sexual scripts' due to their possession of gender identities. I think when people are truly romantic they see less the gender identities and become "you" and "me" and personhood becomes the predominate characteristic so that what makes us similar is much greater than what distinguishes us, though we may allow for different kinds of vulnerabilities and strengths, which might sometimes align with stereotypes.
    Your articles are fun and stimulating and better than Rupert's and I hope you keep them coming! :)
  20. Mstr.Full

    More than two weeks ago
    I do believe that the importance of the need to please... the need to help a woman orgasm is a reaction to that which came before. What came before was all about the male being egocentric and self centered... or perhaps even ignorant. In the past sex to many males was all about "dipping the wick" or "wham bam thank you Maam". Women today have a voice (thank God!) and know that orgasms (of an infinite variety) are possible, enjoyable and that their partner can help them achieve one or even many... GRINS...

    After all it is about mutual pleasure! We all need to walk away at the end of the day... with a big grin on our face!
  21. quivertouch99

    More than two weeks ago
    For me it's about knowing that I've managed to tune in to the female zone. If you can't get into her zone, then it's hard to know what she wants. If you don't know what she wants then you'll probably press the wrong buttons.
    There is a personal satisfaction knowing that you've managed to arouse a woman so much that she has achieved a climax and in some way you have helped her with that. There is a sense of failure if she for some reason didn't move in to that high state of arousal with you.
    Perhaps the most beautiful thing in the world though is watching a woman's face as she climaxes, nothing beats it.
  22. Intimit1

    More than two weeks ago
    It's a sad indication of masculinity that you have to 'give' an orgasm to feel manly. Sexuality should be defined by pleasure, for all involved and not goal oriented. It's a case of slowing down & smelling the roses as they bloom day after day. Engage with your lover/s with words, show them you're thinking of them, turn them on on a daily basis & orgasms will be part of the sensual mix.
  23. DatewithDestiny

    More than two weeks ago
    I find long four play sessions are the go, touching, teasing, kissing. Many many moons ago, i thought fourplay was four minutes of play, how nieeve. Women have a huge control panel that is full of switches and dials, its all about touching, twisting and turning them the right way. But the male control panel, has a lonely toggle switch in the middle.

    NoisyGirl

    2 days ago
    Hahahaha, a toggle switch vs a massive control panel . Personally, my control panel is re-wired differently every time it gets turned on! No rhyme or reason to it at all. But big O or no Big O, it all feels amazing!
  24. HELPMEIFYOUlike

    More than two weeks ago
    I don't think it's about ego at all it's about knowing you gave your lady the pleasure you feel when you reach orgasm. I wonderful Feeling.!!!!!!
  25. nativxxx

    More than two weeks ago
    lets knott fourget that a womban feels it from the innsyde nd man from the outsyde to xlimaxx at the same tyme is bliss...si jus be urself nd it will occur naturallee even durinn roleplae

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