This is not uncommon. Sometimes the rule broken is something small and sometimes it’s one of the boundary conditions that allows a couple to engage in the lifestyle, therefore putting a stop to everything… and occasionally that includes the relationship itself which I’d really love to help you avoid.
Now ideally you would play by the rules during all encounters, and if you discover you are ok to try something more, then a discussion is had after which the new rules are discussed and agreed upon for next time. I did say “ideally”, I realize that doesn’t always happen but I urge you to play this way so that you can continue to enjoy the lifestyle and have the freedom to play. Breaking the rules means you run the risk of losing that freedom.
So before you decide to go down the break-up path there are a few things to consider, ways to get back on track so that it doesn’t happen again, and ways to help the relationship recover and head back into the playground.
Firstly – we’re all human which means occasionally we make mistakes. The absolute first step to recovering or minimizing damage is to admit it, admit that you did it and give details of exactly what happened. As the partner who is on the receiving end of the information, it’s important that you don’t overreact. I know, easier said than done, right?
There are a few things to keep in mind here…
Often rules are broken in the heat of the moment; it’s not uncommon to get carried away with what’s happening when you are in the throws of some passionate play. Also, sometimes the playmate initiates it and it can seem harder to say no. Some people don’t like to disappoint or they want to impress so they go along with it even though they know they shouldn’t… I mentioned “human”, right?
Sometimes the rules and boundaries are discussed when you aren’t sure how you are going to go, but once you get there you find that you’re coping just fine and one of you takes it a step further than was agreed. This can be just a person realizing that they are in fact ok with going further or being ok about their partner going further. They just didn’t have the discussion part first is all…
Now I’m not condoning that behaviour; I think all boundaries and rules should be respected and adhered to. I also know that I’ve been guilty of getting lost in the moment and have had to admit what I’ve gotten up to. The key here is being completely honest when you know you may have broken a rule or stepped over a boundary. Honesty is what will help build the trust back up, or more so, not disintegrate it completely.
You might get away with it once, having a wonderfully understanding partner who accepts that it was a mistake you made but won’t make again. Repeat it and you lose credibility and their ability to trust you diminishes.
This is more likely to happen in the early stages when the boundaries are changing and you are getting used to your new relationship dynamic. This is the most vulnerable time in the process. Sometimes people don’t say something because they’re afraid of how their partner will react. I often see this fear play out in making the mistake first rather than saying “hey, I really want to try…” Again, we’re human.
For some people who’ve been enjoying the lifestyle for a while, sometimes it’s a case of “I thought you’d be ok with it” and to this I say “if it wasn’t something that was specifically discussed and agreed upon, don’t assume anything”.
Ultimately, like I said earlier, discussions are had before the rules and boundaries are changed. If for some reason one of you breaks a rule, the best way to work through it and move past it is to do the following:
- Discuss what was done and be completely honest about the why; the reason the rule was broken.
- Be willing to forgive them for making the mistake.
- Discuss what you both truly want from here on in and how you’d like to operate. Work within the comfort zones of the least comfortable partner knowing that as time goes on, that is likely to change.
- Commit to following the rules; playing within the boundaries to build trust back up, knowing full well that the rules and boundaries may be more restrictive temporarily while that happens. It’s what you have to do to be able to go back to the playground.
- Always, always be completely honest about what you want and how you feel and always, always be open and receptive to your partner expressing what they want and feel. Getting angry, upset or defensive just shuts people down, making communication more difficult.
- Remember that your relationship comes first and that everything else is a bonus!
Depending on how big a rule was broken, most can be worked through and you can both move on, however, if one partner fully cheats on the other then there may not be any going back to the playground. I would still certainly go through the list above to determine if this is something you can both bounce back from… or not.
Otherwise most minor mistakes are recoverable as long as both partners are willing to recover and not make the same mistake again… deal?
Chantelle Austin isn’t afraid to tackle taboo topics. She is the author of “The Essential Guide for Adventurous Couples” as well as a Relationship Coach for people and relationships that are outside the square. When it comes to relationships, swinging, sex and sexuality, nothing is swept under the rug! She encourages everyone to live and love according to what's best for them, because if it's consensual and not hurting anyone, why shouldn't they? Visit her website to purchase her book, find relationship solutions or to “Ask Chantelle” that burning question.www.chantelleaustin.com
Copyright © 2010 Chantelle Austin International
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