It’s not uncommon in the scene to find that you are extremely attracted to someone. They might have the physical aesthetics that do it for you, or maybe the personality, or if you’re super lucky, both!
While it’s all sex, games and fun for a couple, what happens if you start to feel something more? What do you do if all of a sudden you find yourself falling in love? And how do you know?
While it’s rare for this situation to occur, it does, and can happen. What matters most is what you do about it, and how you determine if it’s something worth pursuing or not.
The thing to be wary of here is that often what feels like the beginnings of love, is just a more intense lustful feeling… You know, infatuation! While love does start that way, it doesn’t always end up that way.
It takes time to work out if it is something love-like or not. Love has a lot more depth to it and you are willing to sacrifice a whole lot more when it’s love. If the intense feelings only grow and evolve over time into something more, then perhaps it is love but don’t sacrifice everything you already have too early in the piece, you may regret it.
I’ve certainly come across situations where it was thought to be love and the playmate reciprocated…. Until they became a couple and then things changed, the reality of being in a partnership and the day-to-day interactions kicked in. Sometimes it’s the idea of being with someone that people fall for. And in the swinging scene where you get to meet in some highly passionate circumstances, it can skew the reality of being with them full-time.
The hard part is determining which action early on to really test it out.
My suggestion is to cut all contact and see how you go after a few weeks of purposely spending quality time; re-connecting with your partner and not thinking about the other person. This can work one of 2 ways. It will either give you a chance to let the infatuation leave your system (because it’s just a concoction of hormones anyway), or it can make the “need” for the other person more intense, at least temporarily.
If you find it’s more intense and it’s feeling more like love, then there may be a conversation that needs to be had with your partner, and some sort of potentially temporary solution could be found. Your partner may be willing to allow a temporary separation in order for you to explore being with your playmate as a partner.
With conversations like these, the number one rule is always honesty. As hard as it is sometimes, you have to be honest with yourself first, then your partner and then perhaps the 3rd party. You need to let your partner know where you’re at so that you can have a conversation about what it means for you, for the relationship and for your future.
Before you enter into that conversation though, I’d highly recommend you sit down with a piece of paper and pen, and write the pro’s and con’s because once you’ve put it out there, you can’t take it back. Ask yourself if you are prepared to give up everything you have with your current partner and determine exactly what that means. Also ask, what other possible risks and consequences? Is it possible that you are you in love with both of them? Do you want to potentially go down a poly relationship road so you can explore that option? How much do you really know about your playmates day to day habits, dreams, issues and relationship history?
Whatever happens, things always go smoother if you are completely honest and act with integrity. I never recommend that you go ahead and play with them behind your partner’s back, that will always end up in heartache and tears and you may just end up losing both of them… Surely that’s not worth it.
I won’t kid you though; it’s not an easy conversation to have, but your partner deserves the respect and honesty that you would want if it were you. Wouldn’t you?
At the end of the day, you may have found a more perfect partner for yourself, or perhaps it turns out to just be a really nice strong connection with a playmate that your partner allows you to have, or one they don’t and you need to let go of and move on… Or you end up in a triad relationship, which can be completely successful if everyone is willing to share on all levels.