In my coaching an issue that I see quite often is men approaching dating as if women think the same as men. And on the other side of the spectrum, as something that I see just as much, is men approaching women as if men think like women.
Confused? Let me clarify.
So on one side of the spectrum is the guy who thinks that women think just like he does about sex and dating. He thinks that she is out in the club to pick up because that is why he is there. He thinks that she would love a dick pic because he certainly would love a pussy pic. He thinks that dating must be a walk in the park for women because they can get sex whenever they want – and sex is essentially equal to dating, right? Ultimately – he is projecting his own thinking onto women.
Then there is the guy on the other side of the spectrum. The guy who thinks that his ‘way in’ with women is by being their best friend. He sees the dick pic type guys as misogynistic scum, in fact, he sees any overtly sexual guy as sleazy, and he decides that he will be the opposite – super cordial, lovely and agreeable. Unfortunately, this guy fails to understand the tension in ‘sexual tension’ and usually ends up looking after her handbag and jacket while she is off with another guy. Yes I see it happen.
Sex Is Easy For Women
Yep, women can get sex at the drop of a hat. And funnily enough, a lot of men seem to forget this. I think that men need to remember that there is not THAT much value placed on sex alone for women.
If you could get something great very easily – let’s say you could get the finest steak anytime that you liked, completely for free – well, initially this might be fantastic but within a short amount of time, the steak alone wouldn’t be that exciting. You would start to value the EXPERIENCE that went along with the steak more and more. Since you can get it anytime that you like, just a steak on a plate would not be as appealing to you as say eating it in an amazing restaurant with ambiance, appetizers and wine.
No I’m not saying that you need to take the woman to an amazing restaurant, the steak here is a metaphor for sex for women. Women love sex. Women love good sex. But women can also get sex anytime that they like, so it’s the experience that goes along with the sex that starts to be more appealing (with a few exceptions, like if she is fresh from a breakup and a one-night stand is essentially all she wants, but that’s another story).
We men want to get straight to eating the steak because steak is harder for us to get. We’re rather steak-restricted compared to women who can get it at whim. Women enjoy the steak as much as we do, but because they can get it anywhere and anytime, naturally, more is appealing. They want the experience that goes along with the steak. On its own is nothing too special, even if is a great steak.
So when you’re approaching women, be in a bar or online, it’s worth bearing in mind that what you want, is something that women can get with ease. Don’t just be the steak on a plate guy.
Approaching Women Like You’re a Woman
Then there are the guys who treat women as though they themselves are women. They befriend them, always agree with them, and they generally hate guys who are sexual (“That’s not how you treat a lady!”). For everyone’s sake, please don’t be this guy either.
Firstly, it’s very unattractive. It’s our polar opposites that attract. You’re likely not attracted to masculine women, and most women aren’t attracted to feminine men. These guys may feel that they’re getting somewhere, but there is a huge different between being her friend and being her lover, and the difference can be sometimes tough for men to differentiate.
Secondly, in my opinion it’s actually more manipulative than the “manipulative” guys trying to sleep with her. At least those guys are open about their intentions, whereas the ‘best friend’ guy is really only being there for her in the hope that one day she will finally see what’s in front of her, and fall desperately in love with him.
In other words – this is the white knight. And if ever there was one type of guy that I see being quietly resentful towards women, it’s this guy. He is being lovely, nice and perfect – why doesn’t she see that!? Why does she still go for the jerks when he is doing everything right!? Again, he fails to understand what is attractive to women, and that they’re not just deciding who to be attracted to. So the frustration and resentment builds quietly but surely in this guy.
The Take Home Message
Find that balance when you’re approaching women and dating. Be a man, be masculine, be strong in your sexuality – but realise that showing her your abs and telling her that you will fuck her so fantastically is just what every other guy online is telling her. What makes you so special? How is your steak better than the next guy’s?
Then obviously also, don’t be the handbag guy. It’s actually worse for both of you than for the above guy.
Also lastly, realise that sex does not equal relationships. Just because sex is easy for women, that most definitely doesn’t mean that relationships are. I actually meet some guys who are literally angry at women because “She can get pick-up anytime she likes, why does she complain about being single?” Well, because they’re two very different things.
Society and everything around us evolved because of our sexual differences. It’s sexual evolution. Everything that we are and have is because of sexual selection – so we should really value these differences and approach dating accordingly.