Do you like a little Rough Play?

by Mistress Jane - 19 March 2016 - 27 Member Comments
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Getting PRIMAL! That’s what this is about. We’ve all been there. When things get so hot and heavy it’s almost a reflex action to scream out to your lover “Harder! 

It is completely consensual. You are so aroused you are practically begging for it. It is in the heat of these moments that you are more likely to want to try all of those things that your calmer, less horny self might never consider. Suddenly the thought of being dominated is freaking hot. The thought of your partner wanting you so bad that they are using a little force is the biggest turn on ever.

If the recent 50 Shades of Grey phenomenon is any indication, roughing it up in the bedroom is no longer the politically incorrect pastime it may have been previously.  Kinky rough sex has gone mainstream.  

In our "Under the Covers" Sex Survey 22% of women said they are turned on by ravishment fantasies.

So what is it all about  - why in this age of unprecedented power and equality are more and more women admitting that they are turned on by the idea of forceful sex? Men are also big fans - some studies showing that men have an even higher preference for being roughed up by their partners.  

Most importantly - and on a practical level - how can we all play along safely and consensually at home?

The Attraction of Submitting to Rough Play

There are many explanations as to why both men and women enjoy taking on a submissive role during sex - being subjected to a little or a lot of pain and humiliation. 

It may surprise you that many men and women who enjoy these forceful submission fantasies and role plays are not submissive in their lives outside of the bedroom at all. In fact, often the most aggressive types outside of the bedroom preferred a fantasy where they were dominated. 

One explanation for this is that dominant females pursue dominant males and vice versa.  It is as if catching the attention of a dominant partner means you’ve risen to the top of the pack, so acting out that fantasy where you are being pursued reinforces your status and desirability, which makes you feel good about yourself - so at its core, this fantasy is actually great for your self esteem - its about the passion of the pursuit, about being so immensely desired that you need to be taken then and there.

Another explanation is that  - especially for women, Submission means force. So those women who would normally feel a sense of guilt - that they were dirty or slutty, would be able to engage in wild and crazy sexual escapades without feeling weird about it, because they could tell themselves that it wasn’t their idea, they just went along with it, and therefore they are still innocent! 

In one sense a woman (or man) putting themselves in a sexually submissive role, as opposed to being subjected to a non-consensual encounter, is the ultimate level of control. It’s such a stark variant from what she would do in real life, a situation she would not put herself in ordinarily - but with a partner she knows and trusts, she can play out this fantasy without fear.  The element of control here is having the choice to make such an extreme decision. Forced submission, as is the case with real rape or sexual assault, is obviously not a choice. In a submission fantasy, however, a woman wants to be submissive. In other words, it is her choice to do so.

Introducing Rough Play at Home

If this is just the kind of spice you think could make your sex roaring hot, there are plenty of ways to introduce a bit of rough at home and coax your partner’s dominant side out to play.  

If you are not confident that either of you will be comfortable taking on a Dominant or Submissive role, or that it will come about organically, your best bet is to begin with a fun and sexy role play.

Almost any of your popular dress up fantasies have an element of Dominance and submission to them that will easily accommodate a little rough play.  An easy one - and a personal favourite of mine - would be the police man / woman fantasy.  Don that uniform and watch how you are instantly transformed with a new layer of power.

Incorporating some kind of bondage - in this case handcuffs will enhance that thrill of consensual non consent - pin your partner up against that wall, then hands bound behind their back, drag them to the bed, push them down face first and take them by fantasy-force from behind, or get them down on their knees  with your hand to the back of their head as you bury them in your crotch.

As with all safe, sane and consensual role play, rough sex and BDSM - communicate clearly from the outset. Discuss what you have planned, determine any hard limits that need to be respected, and agree on a safe word. 

"Harder" in this instance is not an appropriate safe word!

Just as importantly - always have FUN. There is a reason we call all of this PLAY. It's okay to have a giggle - most of us do to begin with - but keep going and soon you may surprise even yourself with how deep and dark you can go when things start to get rough.

We'd love our members to comment on this article - is rough play a turn on for you in the bedroom or only in your fantasies?

27 Member Comments

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  1. EZlover

    More than a month ago
    I think language and the words we use have a huge impact on attitudes when it comes to sexual behaviour that is a little outside the 'norm' (whatever that is). Johncyn's language obvious struck a few chords with readers. I have found most women I play with on here actually respond really positively to some degree of dominance. Its more just being the man who is clearly in control, more than real 'dominance'. Seems to me its a ' cave man/woman' fundamental element of the human condition and the drive to reproduce.
  2. justforfun558

    More than a month ago
    I don't mind a little rough play, but not into pain or bondage at all. A little rough play is good at times.
  3. Melody2973

    More than a month ago
    That's very, very presumptuous LeoLady727 :))

    I don't need to be dominated to ' let go ' as you say and not all women think that allowing themselves to enjoy sex is dirty.

    I'm not sure you are that ' liberal minded ' :))

    Leolady727

    More than a month ago
    I didn't say "all women" - I said "many". I know that there are plenty of women who enjoy sex and are not afraid to admit it - perhaps you should have actually READ what I wrote!
  4. dirtydave1969

    More than a month ago
    mmmm I so love being Dominated, the more hornyer I get the more I'm wanting to be pushed over the edge so to speak. I get so turned on sometimes I feel like I would do anything.

    allinmymind

    More than a month ago
    That is the closest I have come to understand the point of it. I wonder if you would do it if could could achieve the same level of turn on some other way? Or if people can get fully turned on another way if they would need rough play?

    Leolady727

    More than a month ago
    allinmymind - I think that women have been taught when young that sex is dirty and that women who enjoy it are sluts, unfortunately. This means that many women can only let go when they are dominated and "can't help themselves" - very sad, in my opinion. I was lucky enough to be brought up by liberal-minded parents and can enjoy myself fully and openly.

    Leolady727

    More than a month ago
    And as for my opinion of men who have to dominate women well, only one thing is suitable for them!
  5. quivertouch99

    More than a month ago
    I think the secret here is definitely TRUST. It's all about trust. Once a woman (or man) can abandon their senses and give over to absolute pleasure, then the adventure of rough play can become exciting, raunchy and a definite turn on. Pain does not enter in to it, its about stimulating the senses with role playing, obedience and self discovery. None of this is possible without trust or attraction.
    It opens up whole gamut of exciting ideas, imagination and stimulation that is not possible with standard intercourse.
    Everybody should try this at some stage of their lives, if not with their partner, then with somebody they have got to know and respect through this site on a casual basis. It's also attractive because the passive partner doesn't have to make any decisions for the duration of the session, this can be liberating and exciting and a journey in to the unknown limited only by one's imagination.

    motorcade

    More than a month ago
    so true quiver. I got in to bdsm and had a short lived sub experience with a "dom" that very quickly went from tantalising to boring. Once he "had" me it degenerated into him simply being a jerk and demanding I find himeanother to play with (yawn) and the sex became one sided and hollow (ie him just hard fucking me, the last while he was drunk - again, yawn). I sacked him and now I have other kinks which rouse my imagination.
  6. johncyn

    More than a month ago

    my slut likes to be dominated loves being gangbanged by ten twelve males make to suck them off swallow their load she likes to be tied up hands to ankles then the men fuck her says she doesn t like anal but when three men take her at the one time when tied up she has three or four orgasims and all ways allows this to happen next time she also says she wants condoms but when they go through her without she really creams herself

    DameNoShame

    More than a month ago
    and you put her health at risk by encouraging that?

    Melody2973

    More than a month ago
    Slut ??, is she into this or do you get off on it :(, I hope it's her choice not forced. Sounds a little disrespectful :(

    SassySandy

    More than a month ago
    OMG!!!! how disgusting!!! Big headed pig.....he deserves something HUGE rammed up his ASS....see how that feels HUH!!!!!

    Extrapussyncock

    More than a month ago
    All hard limits need to identified prior to absolutely anything starting. Such limits must be respect and adhered to 100%. if bondage is being used then trust must also be established prior to anything being started. As far as I'm concerned neither limits nor respect are being shown here. As far as 10-12 guys without condorms then that is just blatant and reckless disregard for this woman's health and safety. My suggestion is that you become a Man before you undertake further sexual endeavours such as this and learn what it is to respect a woman and her body.

    Leolady727

    More than a month ago
    Couldn't agree more, SassySandy - he sounds horrible - I hope this poor woman finds some self-esteem and leaves him :-(

    DameNoShame

    More than a month ago
    I seriously doubt this man even knows the protocol. if what he is sprouting is true then may the fleas of a 1000 camels jump up his urethra..

    rusty1968

    More than a month ago
    I think he is full of shit. His "slut" is probably him! Getting off on the idea of being gang banged by 12 men. Sad.
  7. Ms.CupCake

    More than a month ago
    Awesome article ... thank you. I always enjoy reading Mistress Jane's work.
    Trust, Respect and Communication are the most important aspects when playing rough with a partner.
    Pushing boundaries, knowing that YOU have to power to take it to your limits and stop before its gone too far.
    Primal, raw, passionate fucking can be invigorating and extremely pleasurable....

    Mstr.Full

    More than a month ago
    100% in agreement!
  8. Looklustlick

    More than a month ago
    One of my friends has a rape/taken by force fantasy and although I like a little bit of rough (hair pulling light smack bite scratch ect) I'm not comfortable about the rape bit, I'm an active strong man and can in the heat of passion pick my partner up toss her around and thrust very vigorously but the thought of taking a woman by force is abhorrent to me she should want me as I do her passion not force

    Melody2973

    More than a month ago
    Why would anyone joke about a ' rape ' fantasy :(

    motorcade

    More than a month ago
    where is "joke"mentioned in his post? If you actually read it you would see he is respectful and uncomfortable with "rape" fantasy.

    TSsara

    More than a month ago
    no joke in rape

    forcemenow

    More than a month ago
    Dig a little deeper, ask her more questions and you will find out what it is that draws her to it. Maybe it's as simple a being restrained, you doing more or an adrenalin rush she gets from feeling your strength in comparison to hers.
    As far as I can see she has chosen the wrong guy to trust with her fantasy. The right guy would be having this conversation with her instead of on here.
    If all that fails, your a big boy, just say no.
  9. LadyDragon

    More than a month ago
    Good article - I was absolutely gob-smacked recently to find that I liked exactly the situation you describe - frantic hot sex led to "harder" and then that exact rough play. This is me, I thought, who was raped at 16 and absolutely HATES that dominance, that male power-play. And this situation had never arisen before...
    Discussing it later, we thought it probably arose from the rape episode to a certain extent, but reversed... my insistence on being dominated in this manner gave ME the control, as I was the one orchestrating that dominance... I had the power this time, mentally at least, to ALLOW the rough play. If that makes sense! It was certainly a shock to me - but oh such a turn on! However it could only have happened with someone I trusted completely, someone I knew would stop if I even felt vaguely uncomfortable. Rough is not the order of the day (or for everyone), but nutritionally, as we are told, everyone needs a bit of roughage!!!
    Thanks for the blog - well written, insightful and timely for me!

    funCRAIGfun

    More than a month ago
    All the power to you... Congratulations... XXX

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