Getting PRIMAL! That’s what this is about. We’ve all been there. When things get so hot and heavy it’s almost a reflex action to scream out to your lover “Harder!
It is completely consensual. You are so aroused you are practically begging for it. It is in the heat of these moments that you are more likely to want to try all of those things that your calmer, less horny self might never consider. Suddenly the thought of being dominated is freaking hot. The thought of your partner wanting you so bad that they are using a little force is the biggest turn on ever.
If the recent 50 Shades of Grey phenomenon is any indication, roughing it up in the bedroom is no longer the politically incorrect pastime it may have been previously. Kinky rough sex has gone mainstream.
In our "Under the Covers" Sex Survey 22% of women said they are turned on by ravishment fantasies.
So what is it all about - why in this age of unprecedented power and equality are more and more women admitting that they are turned on by the idea of forceful sex? Men are also big fans - some studies showing that men have an even higher preference for being roughed up by their partners.
Most importantly - and on a practical level - how can we all play along safely and consensually at home?
The Attraction of Submitting to Rough Play
There are many explanations as to why both men and women enjoy taking on a submissive role during sex - being subjected to a little or a lot of pain and humiliation.
It may surprise you that many men and women who enjoy these forceful submission fantasies and role plays are not submissive in their lives outside of the bedroom at all. In fact, often the most aggressive types outside of the bedroom preferred a fantasy where they were dominated.
One explanation for this is that dominant females pursue dominant males and vice versa. It is as if catching the attention of a dominant partner means you’ve risen to the top of the pack, so acting out that fantasy where you are being pursued reinforces your status and desirability, which makes you feel good about yourself - so at its core, this fantasy is actually great for your self esteem - its about the passion of the pursuit, about being so immensely desired that you need to be taken then and there.
Another explanation is that - especially for women, Submission means force. So those women who would normally feel a sense of guilt - that they were dirty or slutty, would be able to engage in wild and crazy sexual escapades without feeling weird about it, because they could tell themselves that it wasn’t their idea, they just went along with it, and therefore they are still innocent!
In one sense a woman (or man) putting themselves in a sexually submissive role, as opposed to being subjected to a non-consensual encounter, is the ultimate level of control. It’s such a stark variant from what she would do in real life, a situation she would not put herself in ordinarily - but with a partner she knows and trusts, she can play out this fantasy without fear. The element of control here is having the choice to make such an extreme decision. Forced submission, as is the case with real rape or sexual assault, is obviously not a choice. In a submission fantasy, however, a woman wants to be submissive. In other words, it is her choice to do so.
Introducing Rough Play at Home
If this is just the kind of spice you think could make your sex roaring hot, there are plenty of ways to introduce a bit of rough at home and coax your partner’s dominant side out to play.
If you are not confident that either of you will be comfortable taking on a Dominant or Submissive role, or that it will come about organically, your best bet is to begin with a fun and sexy role play.
Almost any of your popular dress up fantasies have an element of Dominance and submission to them that will easily accommodate a little rough play. An easy one - and a personal favourite of mine - would be the police man / woman fantasy. Don that uniform and watch how you are instantly transformed with a new layer of power.
Incorporating some kind of bondage - in this case handcuffs will enhance that thrill of consensual non consent - pin your partner up against that wall, then hands bound behind their back, drag them to the bed, push them down face first and take them by fantasy-force from behind, or get them down on their knees with your hand to the back of their head as you bury them in your crotch.
As with all safe, sane and consensual role play, rough sex and BDSM - communicate clearly from the outset. Discuss what you have planned, determine any hard limits that need to be respected, and agree on a safe word.
"Harder" in this instance is not an appropriate safe word!
Just as importantly - always have FUN. There is a reason we call all of this PLAY. It's okay to have a giggle - most of us do to begin with - but keep going and soon you may surprise even yourself with how deep and dark you can go when things start to get rough.