Top 100 Signs you may be a Swinger!

by Adult Match Maker - 22 October 2015 - 17 Member Comments
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We're all guilty of playing "spot the swinger" and asking probing questions to sexy vanilla friends and co-workers to see if they are muggles or potential playmates. There's no sign or tattoo which identifies you as a swinger but if you look at common behaviours it will give you some clues and hopefully our summary of the top 100 will make you smile. 

Feel free to add more in the comments at the end of the article.  To be honest it was difficult to limit it to 100.

  1. Your "vanilla" friends accuse you of being swingers and you try and stumble through some lame reply only to realise they were only joking about you having a spa. 
  2. You see a really hot girl walking down the street and you think to yourself "I wonder if she'll do my wife?" 
  3. On holidays you set aside time to take photos so you will have pictures that are acceptable to show friends, relatives and co-workers.
  4. At your "vanilla" parties, no one can use the master bedroom ensuite because you're afraid someone will notice the webcam bolted to the wall.
  5. Every bottle of liquor in your house has a big sticker with your membership number or couples name on it. 
  6. You've become adept at operating your digital camera or iPhone camera with one hand.
  7. You have an entire closet devoted to themed outfits and you know which ones look good under black light. There have been times when you couldn't decide which of your three naughty schoolgirl outfits you should wear to a party.
  8. You hear the word “playmate” and your first thought isn't Playboy.
  9. You’ve invited friends over and watched porn or, even better, you've invited friends over and made porn.
  10. You had already seen pictures of your swinger friends naked before you met them in person.
  11. You think going to a vanilla party ranks right up there with having a root canal.
  12. Your husband checks out the waitress and, instead of being annoyed, you plan on how to take her home or make a bet on who can seduce her first.
  13. Your sexual fantasies never last very long on your bucket list because they keep coming true.
  14. You've asked probing questions to your vanilla friends trying to figure out if they're interested in swinging or not without giving away the fact that you're a swinger. 
  15. You've come to realise that you've cycled from doing things you can't tell your parents to doing things you can't tell your kids. 
  16. Your wife has slept with more men since you were married than before you were married and with more women since ... well ... ever! 
  17. You've had sex with more people since you’ve been married than you did when you were single.
  18. You and your partner play "Spot the Swinger" when out in public. 
  19. You are running out of reasons to tell your "vanilla" friends why you can't go out with them and they always ask why they're not invited to your parties.
  20. Some weekends you're glad to go back to work on a Monday so you can get some rest.
  21. Before introducing playmates to family / friends / co-workers you pull them aside to get your stories straight and decide "Here’s how we know each other…” but the standard response is usually "friends of friends".
  22. You get dressed for a party and don’t worry about comfort because your clothes won’t be on for very long.
  23. A major consideration of buying a coat is if it will cover your "slutty nurse" outfit.
  24. You know the most flattering angle at which to photograph your genitals.
  25. You've installed a lock on a bedroom cupboard that stores your sex-swing and other sex toys and your toybox is bigger than your children's toybox.
  26. You spent twice as long on your online profile than you did on updating your resume.
  27. You panic when you can’t find your camera or your friends lose theirs.
  28. You position the computer screen so your children can’t sneak up on you and you're paranoid that your 12 year old is going to figure out your login password.
  29. You've come home from a party and your husband has mismatched shoes or socks and you're wearing underwear you don't recognise.
  30. You make plans with one couple for Saturday night and then find out that your partner made plans with another couple. Then it dawns on you that it's not a problem. 
  31. Every time your vanilla friends ask what you’re up to on the weekend you reply "just having a quiet one".
  32. The only club you belong to is a swingers club.
  33. Birthday surprise parties have taken on a whole new meaning. 
  34. You believe in Unicorns ... because you’ve actually ridden one.
  35. You've made a bet about how long it will take to “convert” a vanilla friend.
  36. You belong to a secret Facebook page, have more than one Facebook profile and have more Facebook friends than your teenage kids. And, of course, you follow Adult Match Maker! 
  37. You’ve watched someone do a tequila shot off of your wife’s naked breasts.
  38. You’ve found yourself saying "it was lovely to meet you too" while you were naked ... having sex ... with someone else’s wife/husband on/under you.
  39. Your closest friends are a group of couples but you don't know their last names and you always refer to them as "Jenny, from Jenny & Brian"
  40. You've hugged friends goodnight while naked.
  41. Your straight husband shops for his underwear at gay men's stores where there is an unlimited selection of makes, styles and colours. 
  42. You have a VIP card from the local costume hire store, and adult store, and they both know you by name.
  43. You have an entire external hard-drive devoted to your party photos and you password protect all your private photo albums on your laptop.
  44. You have a full-length mirror in your bedroom ... on the ceiling!
  45. You're wearing a necklace with your name or coloured wrist bands in most of your holiday photos.
  46. You have to make up cover stories about what you did on your weekend trip to Melbourne.
  47. You come back from vacation and you have a tan, but no tan lines and the only place you got sunburnt was where your tan-lines used to be.
  48. When you make plans to meet a vanilla couple at a restaurant you realise that you have absolutely nothing to wear.
  49. Going out to a club means you have to find a babysitter who's happy to stay overnight or at least until 4am and won't ask questions.
  50. Your wardrobe is filled with stilettos, you own as least one pair of thigh high boots and you have more lingerie than a department store.
  51. You've actually said "I didn't recognise you with your clothes on".
  52. You smile when husband comes home from a party with lipstick on his collar and smelling of another woman’s perfume. And you know who it was because you fucked her too.
  53. You hear the word "play" and your first thought isn't live theatre.
  54. You spend the trip to work on Monday fabricating a weekend of "co-worker friendly" activities.
  55. You don’t bat an eyelid at people going at it on the dancefloor, or the bar, or the stage.
  56. You refuse to commit to vanilla friends parties too early in case there is a swingers club theme night on.
  57. All the guys brought their wives to your bachelor party and your wedding had an After Party!
  58. You find yourselves speaking in code in front of your kids and those not "in the know". 
  59. You spend more time grooming your private parts than a porn star and have a standard fortnightly appointment for a Brazilian.
  60. You are actually not offended by being just a booty call.
  61. After being married for 20 years, people still ask if you’re newlyweds.
  62. At Christmas there are always presents that can’t be opened in front of your family, like that double ended dildo your partner bought for you last year.
  63. You're walking down the street and your wife hits you for not pointing out the hot girl you were looking at. 
  64. When you're in a public place and hear someone say something that sounds similar to your profile name and you start getting paranoid that someone recognises you from Adult Match Maker. 
  65. When you take a male and female teddy bear, dress them up in kinky fetish leather outfits and take a bunch of photos to send to your swinging friends or post in that secret Facebook group.
  66. Your idea of a yoga class is a naked human pretzel of at least 4 bodies.
  67. When your spouse asks you if you want to have sex, you ask "With who?" and you're not joking!
  68. You can recall a time when your partner was having an orgasm but you were busy in the other room discussing your new car, the housing market or the kid's school options.
  69. You are more concerned about a pimple on your privates than one on your face. 
  70. You've taken photos of yourself with your head out of frame ... on purpose!
  71. When your mate asks you if you've seen the movie "Swingers" and you laugh your butt off.
  72. You spell come - "cum".
  73. You're still smiling on Monday morning about something you did on Saturday night and you can't tell your co-workers why.
  74. You don’t think twice about wearing a short skirt, high heels and fishnets even when it’s freezing outside.
  75. You have to do a major "spring clean" before you parents visit.
  76. You get excited when you find out your husband has bought you a stripper pole for Christmas ... or you already own one.
  77. You never open the garage door until you're in the car with the doors closed when you come home from a party.
  78. Your wife has a Tshirt printed with “I like girls too”.
  79. You ask your girlfriend to teach you that double twist thing she does that your husband loves so much.
  80. You instinctively take your clothes off when vanilla friends invite you into their spa.
  81. You and your partner have attended a blow job or fisting class together.
  82. When you go to a convention your bags consist of a bag for toys, a bag for leather stuff, a bag for lingerie and a small bag for straight clothes. You leave with three huge suitcases, yet are wearing the same outfit when you return as you did when you left.
  83. You worry about explaining to the neighbours why 10 couples show up on a Saturday night carrying overnight bags and don’t leave until late Sunday morning.
  84. You've come home from a party with your wife's gstring in your back pocket.
  85. You can expertly identify the tactile differences between every type of breast implant.
  86. Whenever you go out you always throw a small overnight bag in the car ... just in case.
  87. Your vanilla friends think you're boring because your weekend stories have no details.
  88. Your kids are used to you using the phrase "no means no" 
  89. You have to stop and think for a minute when asked what your hobbies are so that you can think of something G-rated.
  90. You smile to yourself when someone asks if they can join you for a foursome on the golf course.
  91. In the middle of sex with your partner you've asked someone else to take over for a minute while you go to the bathroom.
  92. You read "50 Shades of Grey" and wondered what all of the fuss was about.
  93. You always have a few personal business cards in your wallet which have nothing to do with your occupation.
  94. The babysitter wonders why you are always wearing your full-length coat when she arrives, even in Summer.
  95. Half of the numbers on your mobile phone are listed only by screen names because you don't know their surnames.
  96. You wake up in the morning and find that half of the clothes on the floor don’t fit you or your wife and you have a drawer full of unclaimed underwear.
  97. When you have to get dressed twice to go out - once to drop off the kid at the sitter or to grab a bite to eat, and once in the car on the way to the club! 
  98. You know which of your friends are allergic to latex.
  99. You know what the acronyms FFM, DP, NSA, BBC and AMM mean.
  100. You are reading this and laughing because many of these describe you.

17 Member Comments

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  1. southaus4some

    More than a month ago
    This is a great laugh, and we tick off a fair few there, with more to roll off the list soon :P
  2. MrandMrsMichael

    More than a month ago
    We have often wondered how to approach this problem. We have seen couples at Hotels and restaurants wondering are they or aren't they? You can't just walk over and say "excuse me are you swingers"? Should be a special coloured wrist band you can wear to venues maybe. Been times we were sure people were swingers but were not game to ask .
  3. SensualCouple8

    More than a month ago
    101. You have no secrets with your partner because you can share your deepest desires and even make them come true.
    102. Every time you get aroused by looking at a hot chick or guy you feel deep love for your partner for being able to feel AND share it too.
  4. JustBifun

    More than a month ago
    PMSL I think I might be a swinger :o hehehe
  5. sugarbuns

    More than a month ago
    Love the one about the waitress ... we picked one up in Perth for a party and had a great time.
  6. swingingcple

    More than a month ago
    We certainly can't argue with many of these.
  7. Michelle112

    More than a month ago
    My stomach aches from laughing. So true on so many levels lmao
  8. sweetangelic2

    More than a month ago
    It is a bit scary when there is not many of these that you can relate to.... Awesome article
  9. vanillankink

    More than a month ago
    Had to giggle at more than a few of these being true.
  10. Funforus22

    More than a month ago
    101. You can't email this list to your swinging friends - you don't know their email addresses.
  11. Funforallofus18

    More than a month ago
    Wow....how many of these are so true.....
  12. whatevergoesxxx

    More than a month ago
    Question 2, I have never thought to myself if I see a really hot girl walking down the street and think "I wonder if she'll do my wife?" That is because she is the one that says she would like to do her!

    AMM.Editor

    More than a month ago
    Nailed it! And hopefully she did too.
  13. Funforus22

    More than a month ago
    Hilarious, so true.....
  14. luvvies

    More than a month ago
    Ummm - errr, yes - well thats about right....most of it anyway.

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